Tag: grattitude

Forgive and Forget

I am sure you have heard a lot about forget and forgive. Your parents probably gave you that advice and you probably gave the same advice to your children! But how many of us are truly able to practice in reality? Let’s look at how we should practice this and more importantly why should we practice it?

We will begin with why we should practice forget and forgive. According to the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, forgiveness is healthy for you! It provides tremendous benefits for your health including a lower risk of heart attack, reducing LDL (the so-called bad cholesterol), improving sleep, reducing blood pressure,  reducing anxiety, depression, and stress. I mean the list goes on and on. It’s almost like meditation if you ask me😊 Here is the best part; as we age, forgiveness and health connection keep getting better. According to Dr. Karen Schwartz of the JHU School of Medicine, chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.

Another reason to forgive is that it allows us to actually forget the painful memories of a particular incident. Once we forget those painful memories, we are able to cope with the situation and actually move on without getting stuck in the past.

Probably the most important reason in my opinion is that forgiveness opens up doors to reconciliation. Forgiveness may help the other person realize the hurt they caused you and will lead to mending fences between the two of you.

Now let’s look at how to forgive. For those of you who have tried this, I am sure you can attest to the fact that it is not easy to forgive. But once you do, it is a liberating feeling. Your mind no longer is stuck in anger or negativity surrounding the incident. And some people are better equipped to forgive than others for sure. However, it is a learned skill. You can learn to forgive. That means all of us can cultivate the skill. Essentially, it is a choice. It is a choice to be compassionate towards those who you think have wronged you. If you would like to learn more about developing compassion, please check out Episode 33 which talks at length about how we can develop compassion towards all living beings.

The first thing we need to do when trying to forgive someone is to actually remember the actual incident. Sometimes we are angry but if we reflect back we may realize that we also played a part in getting the thing out of proportioned. In that case, forgiveness comes easily. Even if we had no role to play, remembering the event solidifies our hurt.

Once we remember, the next step is to empathize with the person we are trying to forgive. This is not easy but what helps in these situations is to understand where their delusions may be coming from. Maybe they were having a bad day or had a rough childhood—whatever that may be. We are not trying to make excuses for them, just empathize with them as human beings.

The next step is to not have any expectations. A lot of people expect an apology before they can forgive. That is bartering and not forgiveness. Don’t expect anything from the other person. Just decide to forgive them for the hurt they caused you. Tell them that you forgive them. If you are not able to talk to them talk to someone else who you trust.

Another important step is to forgive yourself. I know this sounds crazy but most people blame themselves for the hurt that is done to them. We must learn to forgive ourselves to be truly free of the hurt. Oh and one another thing, the best way to practice forgiveness is you guessed it, practice gratitude. If we are thankful for what we have forgiveness tends to come easily. I can’t believe how many times we look at different issues and gratitude almost always comes as one of the ways to solve a problem!

And remember never go to sleep agitated. If you make a habit of forgetting all ill will of the day when you go to bed, the next day is a brand new beginning. No more resentment from the previous night. If you can practice that, you will never have to worry about keeping it in and affecting your health.

Hope this all makes sense and you are able to forgive and forget whatever it is that hurt you.

Your Life, Your Choices

Have you ever thought about why you are where you are in life? Two people who grow up in similar environments end up being completely different places in life. Why does that happen? The simplest answer is the choices we make in life. Today, let’s look at how the smallest choice we make can have an impact on our life in the long run.

I was talking to a group of young adults recently and we were discussing life in general. All of a sudden one of them said something interesting. He said when we were in high school, our focus was to get good grades by hook or by crook and not really on the love of learning. Mind you, this kid goes to Stanford and is probably one of the brightest young men I have known. He went on to tell me that the habits they developed in high school are making it difficult at his college. He said he wished he made a better choice back in high school. I thought that was very profound for a young adult to realize. You see most people go through the motion of life without realizing that where they are in life is largely due to choices they have made for better or for worse. They don’t realize that life just doesn’t happen.

I recently came across a book called “Living By Choice” by Michael Nelson. He is a pastor from Memphis, TN and it is an interesting read. Some of the choices he advocates for better living include:

  • The choice to embellish others and not yourself: think about it, most of the time we are too busy talking about ourselves and our achievements rather than giving credit to others who have done a phenomenal job.
  • The choice to be the leader of your life: I have always believed that one has to be a leader in one’s family as opposed to being a manager. You see, most people are managing their lives and their family. When you don’t lead, someone else will. That is how outside influences such as social media become dominant. There is no leadership in life.
  • The choice to be patient: It really doesn’t help when we get all worked up and impatient. Instead, when we come across a challenging situation, it is helpful to take a deep breath and assess the situation and be patient.
  • The choice to be loving: This is perhaps the most important emotion in life. When you have love in your heart, the fear and angst disappear. Next time you find yourself stressed, try love as an antidote. It seriously works.
  • The choice to be tolerant of opposing views: This is so much needed in today’s world. We are at a point in our public square where no one is willing to listen to anyone else. All of us have decided that our opinion is the right opinion and anyone who does not agree with us is an idiot. The media is mostly to blame along with social media algorithms that keep us in our own biased bubble.
  • The choice to be giving: We have talked about this so often. Giving ignites our sense of greater good and is very contagious.
  • The choice to show gratitude: I don’t think I have to say a lot about this. We start every session with a gratitude attitude and hopefully, you have seen a difference in your lives.
  • The choice to be respectful to yourself and others:  R E S P E C T. It’s such a simple word but people had to fight to get respect in history. If you look at African American history or the Apartheid or Indian Freedom Struggle, a lot of people died to get a spec of respect.
  • The choice to follow your passion: This is so important for young adults. It is good to follow one’s passion. Because that leads to true happiness.

One thing I want to point out is that no one sets out to make a bad choice. Often we tend to make choices that lead to short-term gain or instant gratification as opposed to what is good for us in the longer term. The human brain is wired this way because in the caveman days, what was important was you get to eat or you die. We have come a long way from that day and most people don’t have to worry about day-to-day necessities. So we have to be mindful about choices we make that are good for us in the long run as opposed to what feels good at this moment. Developing mindfulness is very helpful. The easiest way to develop mindfulness is by creating a daily meditation practice.