I am sure you have heard a lot about forget and forgive. Your parents probably gave you that advice and you probably gave the same advice to your children! But how many of us are truly able to practice in reality? Let’s look at how we should practice this and more importantly why should we practice it?
We will begin with why we should practice forget and forgive. According to the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, forgiveness is healthy for you! It provides tremendous benefits for your health including a lower risk of heart attack, reducing LDL (the so-called bad cholesterol), improving sleep, reducing blood pressure, reducing anxiety, depression, and stress. I mean the list goes on and on. It’s almost like meditation if you ask me😊 Here is the best part; as we age, forgiveness and health connection keep getting better. According to Dr. Karen Schwartz of the JHU School of Medicine, chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
Another reason to forgive is that it allows us to actually forget the painful memories of a particular incident. Once we forget those painful memories, we are able to cope with the situation and actually move on without getting stuck in the past.
Probably the most important reason in my opinion is that forgiveness opens up doors to reconciliation. Forgiveness may help the other person realize the hurt they caused you and will lead to mending fences between the two of you.
Now let’s look at how to forgive. For those of you who have tried this, I am sure you can attest to the fact that it is not easy to forgive. But once you do, it is a liberating feeling. Your mind no longer is stuck in anger or negativity surrounding the incident. And some people are better equipped to forgive than others for sure. However, it is a learned skill. You can learn to forgive. That means all of us can cultivate the skill. Essentially, it is a choice. It is a choice to be compassionate towards those who you think have wronged you. If you would like to learn more about developing compassion, please check out Episode 33 which talks at length about how we can develop compassion towards all living beings.
The first thing we need to do when trying to forgive someone is to actually remember the actual incident. Sometimes we are angry but if we reflect back we may realize that we also played a part in getting the thing out of proportioned. In that case, forgiveness comes easily. Even if we had no role to play, remembering the event solidifies our hurt.
Once we remember, the next step is to empathize with the person we are trying to forgive. This is not easy but what helps in these situations is to understand where their delusions may be coming from. Maybe they were having a bad day or had a rough childhood—whatever that may be. We are not trying to make excuses for them, just empathize with them as human beings.
The next step is to not have any expectations. A lot of people expect an apology before they can forgive. That is bartering and not forgiveness. Don’t expect anything from the other person. Just decide to forgive them for the hurt they caused you. Tell them that you forgive them. If you are not able to talk to them talk to someone else who you trust.
Another important step is to forgive yourself. I know this sounds crazy but most people blame themselves for the hurt that is done to them. We must learn to forgive ourselves to be truly free of the hurt. Oh and one another thing, the best way to practice forgiveness is you guessed it, practice gratitude. If we are thankful for what we have forgiveness tends to come easily. I can’t believe how many times we look at different issues and gratitude almost always comes as one of the ways to solve a problem!
And remember never go to sleep agitated. If you make a habit of forgetting all ill will of the day when you go to bed, the next day is a brand new beginning. No more resentment from the previous night. If you can practice that, you will never have to worry about keeping it in and affecting your health.
Hope this all makes sense and you are able to forgive and forget whatever it is that hurt you.