Tag: compassion

Karma

We are going to start a series on Karma today. This is a very deep subject so I want to make sure we give enough attention to make sure we have a chance to really understand the subject matter. I am sure you have heard the phrase what goes around comes around. Or you reap what you sow. These are just reminders of how Karma works. Actually, Karma works in much more mysterious ways. But in general, virtuous Karma creates pleasant experiences and non-virtuous Karma creates unpleasant experiences. Let’s look at what is Karma. Karma is a body or speech action initiated by mental action. One cannot create Karma with just bodily action without a mental intention. For example, if I accidentally slap you when trying to get a bee out of your face, I do not create negative Karma since I did not have the intention to slap you. So every time we create a mental action, it leaves what is known as a Karmic imprint on our mind. Essentially, it leaves a potentiality in our minds. This potentiality ripens when the conditions are just right and we feel the effect of those Karma—negative or positive. How come we don’t see the effects of our Karma immediately you might ask? It is very simple. Let’s say you saw a seed in the soil. Now until there is rain, there are no conditions for that seed to ripen and become a plant. Just like that the conditions have to be right for the potentiality of our Karma to ripen.

Another thing to understand is that no two living beings have the exact same set of Karma. Each one of us has a different individual Karma that explains why each one of us has a unique set of experiences. The laws of Karma are why every individual has a unique mental disposition, unique physical appearance, and unique experience. You may notice that some people are prone to accidents or illness while others enjoy pleasant experiences. Some people are difficult to please and others are happy no matter the circumstances. Our acquaintances and relationships are also based on Karma. You may have noticed that you have a very close relationship with someone and after some time they almost disappear from your life. Your friendships end sometimes abruptly and you never talk again to that person. This is because of your karmic relationship with that person and once Karma is used up, there is no more bond. One of my relatives said it very matter of factly once. He used to have this friend with whom they will hang out twice a week. Over time, they drifted apart and stopped seeing each other. Once I was visiting with him and said I don’t see your friend anymore. He said, Raju, our Karmic bond must be over.

An important point to note is that Karma can ripen anytime. It is not necessary for one lifetime’s Karma to ripen in the same lifetime. In fact, often they don’t. This means Karma we have created may ripen if the appropriate circumstances and potentialities arise. That may explain why seemingly nice people sometimes end up suffering immense pain. There is also something called collective Karma. A group of people and their collective Karma ripen that creates external circumstances. For example, some places are always going through wars and atrocities that go along with them. Some places are prone to natural disasters and so on.  This is why we need to make sure that we avoid negative or non-virtuous actions. If we understand the law of Karma, we will understand how we can control our future experiences. If we abandon negative Karma, we will eliminate miserable experiences and by practicing virtuous Karma, we will increase our potential for happiness. We must be mindful throughout the day to make sure that we are not creating negative Karma.

Quiet Time

Have you ever had a feeling that you are just on the go all the time? There is always something to do or someone to entertain! I know a number of people who enjoy this fast pace life. But it is good to give yourself a timeout every now and then and recharge yourself. So today, let’s discuss enjoying quiet time on your own.

First, let’s look at why quiet time is important in our lives. A quiet time allows us to self-reflect. It actually may lead to daydreaming. When we are in a quiet zone, our mind tends to focus on what matters most in our lives. I do want to caution you though. If you are not used to quiet time, at first, it would seem like the mind wants to go everywhere but eventually, it will settle down. As we get accustomed to quiet time, we will become mindful and see the advantages of being in the present moment.

Staying quiet also has physical benefits it seems. A 2006 NIH study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1860846/) shows that staying quiet for 2 minutes significantly reduces heart rate and blood pressure. The opposite is also true and a noisy environment increases blood pressure and heart rate.

Some people have difficulty staying silent. Fear of missing out has a lot to do with this. A lot of people in our society need external stimuli such as social media and personal devices to keep themselves busy. If you think about it, they are trying to avoid their inner thoughts and feelings. Have you noticed that young adults tend to get bored easily? They just don’t know how to be with themselves. I often say that if you enjoy your company, you will never be bored! Another advantage of being quiet is that it allows us to make sense of it all. All the chaos that may be happening around us all of a sudden makes sense. We can see the bigger picture if you will. Here is interesting research I found. Boredom leads to creativity. According to John Eastwood of the Boredom Lab at York University in Canada (I am as surprised as you are that there is such a thing as Boredom Lab!), two key things are happening in the mind when we are bored. The first thing is they have a desire to do something. The other is that there is access to mental capacity that is available. A combination of these things leads to creative ideas.

So how do we stay quiet you might ask. There are a number of ways to practice staying still. Here are just a few of them. The easiest thing you can do is stay in the bed a little longer. Pick a weekend day and just don’t get out of bed for a few hours! Another approach is to seat after your meal at your dining table. My wife excels at this! She would just seat quietly for an hour after her meal. That is her own time. Another approach is to try to challenge yourself to stay silent for a certain amount of time. We used to play this game when kids were growing up. Whoever can stay silent the most wins the game. This is such a relief as a parent I tell you. Kids get to play the game and you enjoy a little peace and quiet! Yet another way is to go for a swim or a hike without your phone. That is going to be some quality quiet time.

A Harvard Business Review article from 2017 notes that quite time “increases your chances of encountering novel ideas and information and discerning weak signals.” When we’re constantly fixated on the verbal agenda—what to say next, what to write next, what to tweet next—it’s tough to make room for truly different perspectives or radically new ideas. It’s hard to drop into deeper modes of listening and attention. And it’s in those deeper modes of attention that truly novel ideas are found.

So here is an interesting idea. Some people think the craving for silent time is somehow cheating the system or not taking care of your responsibility. That cannot be further from the truth. We all need that alone time. That is the time where we can take care of our mental needs. Our mind needs that rest.

I hope this gives you something to think about and make quiet time part of your daily routine. If you have young children, I strongly encourage you to teach of how to be quiet. It is difficult but well worth the effort for their own future well-being.

Being Compassionate While Disagreeing

I was at a party over the weekend and a group of us started talking politics. Uh oh!! Obviously, there were differing opinions on the table. Now, all of us are friends for the better part of 20 years or 30 years in some cases. So we all just leave our discussions on the table when we get up and everything is just fine. But that is not the case all the time when we talk about difficult topics. So that leads me to think about how we can be compassionate towards those with who we disagree. Let’s jump in.

Have you noticed that when you are having a discussion with someone who you love and know or you are friends with, even when you disagree, you tend not to be judgmental? You agree to disagree but your relationships stay intact. It is when we are talking to people who we don’t identify with, or of different communities, or otherwise cannot relate to you tend to be judgmental. You would come to conclusion and will not react with compassion towards this person. This is the root of the problem in our public discourse today.

This happens for a number of reasons. Two prominent reasons among them are our pre-existing judgment and biases towards a group of people and lack of belief that they are coming from a genuine deeply held point of view. Once we realize this, the rest becomes easier. So how do we overcome these pre-existing judgments and certain beliefs or lack thereof?

The first thing to do is get to know the people who are you are having a discussion with if possible. Have an offline conversation that is universal such as sports or weather or community at large.

The next thing is to do is think about someone who you know has similar beliefs. If you imagine that you are having a discussion with the person you already know, you are less likely to judge or be biased towards this person. Try this next time you find yourself arguing with your television or social media platform!

It is also important to pay attention to what the other person is saying. When you respond, if you acknowledge what they are trying to say (does not mean you are agreeing with their point just that you understand what they are trying to say), then it will soften some of the tension during the conversation. Another important point is to make sure that you hear them out so that they have an outlet for their argument before responding to them. This gives them a safe space and reduces any heated exchanges.

Ultimately though, you want to figure out your own biases and work through them. One thing that may help is to figure out the last time you changed your opinion about something. That is an admission that your views are not always correct and there is room for a different plausible argument. This always humbles us.

In his book Severn Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey highlights that it is our ability to “seek first to understand, then be understood” that makes us effective. At some level, we already know this. So why do we still not show that compassion when we are disagreeing with someone? This most likely is coming out of our strong sense of self. Our attachment to our “I” that we have talked about before. We probably think that if we show compassion, we are endorsing their point of view or we are compromising our own beliefs. All that means is that we are more worried about our ego and need to be right. Here is an example. Personally, I believe that every life is precious and would not make a decision for abortion if it was my decision. But, I also understand this is a life-changing decision and it is ultimately a woman’s right to choose. A lot of people I know thought this was a conflicting position. I do not see any conflict in this position. I am very clear as to what I would do if I were in a particular situation but that does not give me the right to affect someone else’s life.

About 18 years ago, I had a very interesting discussion with a religious leader about this topic. They happened to be at my home on an election day of all time! He was visibly upset when I said what I believed. He thought it was an absolute black and white issue and all life is precious—which I agreed with him wholeheartedly—and that there was no room for other beliefs. This is where compassion needs to enter the dialog. An otherwise highly compassionate person can lose their patience when an argument shakes their belief system.

Perseverance

Today, I want to talk about one of the six perfections. We have already talked about a couple of the perfections in the past including generosity and patience. Let’s discuss today perseverance. This is also known as vigor and enthusiasm. I am sure you have heard this expression that goes half of life is just showing up. I used to tell this to my kids all the time. All that means is to make sure that you are consistently showing up for what needs to be done. Keep giving your efforts without regard to short-term results or lack thereof.

Let me give you an example. When I came to the US, during the first semester, I was paying for all my expenses. As an international student, the fees are really high. So the goal for most international students is to receive a research assistant position where the University waives your tuition and pays you a small stipend on top of that. Within the first month of starting the semester, I started talking to professors for a potential research assistant position. One professor told me, he had a grant application out with the National Science Foundation and if it was approved, he would have two or three positions open. I would go visit the professor every two weeks to see if heard anything from the NSF. About two months later, one day I visited the professor and asked if he heard anything. To my surprise, he said, yes his application was approved and he would need three research assistants on that project. He said there were about ten students who were asking him for a position. Then he said something totally surprising. He said he was going to interview everyone for two of the position and he was offering me one of the positions. I thanked him and he went, do you know why I offered you this position? I had no clue. He explained that I was the only one, who was persistent, meeting him every two weeks, and wanted his lead researcher to be someone with that kind of drive. Who knew?

The point here is that no matter how many times you hear no, or fail, we must get up and move towards our goal. Let me put it another way. Have you ever owned a stock? I am not a stock market guy personally. But I have heard so many stories where people get out of their position because it was going down just to see their stocks turn around and go higher.  If they only held on to that for a few more days or weeks. Again, this is not meant to be stock market advice. I have zero experience in the stock market.

What perseverance means is that we must become independent of internal and external influences when we are moving toward a goal. All of you are here listening to these meditation videos and attending sessions because something in you tells you that you want to become mindful. You want some level of mental peace and joy and bliss within you. if that is the goal then please make sure that you don’t get influenced by outside influences. You will have good meditation days and not-so-good meditation days. Some days you may feel like you met Buddha himself and other days, your mind is so wound up that nothing brings peace it seems. That is perfectly OK. With time, you will be able to get into a situation where no matter the external conditions, you will be able to bring your mind to peace.

So please don’t give up because you think you are not making progress in your meditation practice. You are certainly making a progress. I had this interesting discussion with a young person. This person is in their early twenties and was having some challenges. I was trying to help them walk through the situation and kind of helping them make a plan for long-term success. We would talk weekly. After a couple of weeks, they said it doesn’t seem like they are making any progress and it feels two steps forward and one step backward. I said OK; imagine if you are walking from your house to the nearest pizza place. Let’s say it is 1,000 steps away. Once you start your journey, let’s say you take two steps forward and one step backward. After say about 10 minutes, you are 20 steps away from your house. If you did not take one step backward, you would have been 30 steps away. Even with 20 steps away from your house, you are still closer to the pizza place than you were if you were just sitting in your house. And that is what is important.

The moral of the discussion here is to make sure you keep performing beneficial actions and don’t give up because you are not seeing immediate results.

Cultivating Compassion

During our Q&A session last week, we discussed how difficult it is to cultivate compassion toward others. As I mentioned, it is a learned skill. So today, let’s talk about how we can develop compassion toward all living beings.

Before we develop compassion towards everyone, we first need to have love towards them. If we have a love for someone in our heart, developing compassion towards them becomes easy. So how do we develop love towards other random people and even people who do not care for us. Well, let’s start with types of love. There are three types of love. Affectionate love, cherishing love, and wishing love.

Here is from the book Universal Compassion: We can understand these by considering the following example. If a mother is reunited with one of her children after a long separation, she is very happy and feels great affection for her. This special feeling of affection is affectionate love. Out of affection, the mother considers her child to be very precious and wants to take special care of her. This special feeling of caring is cherishing love. Because she has affectionate love and cherishing love for her child, if she sees that she is unhappy she immediately wishes to restore her happiness. This wish for others to be happy and to help them to achieve happiness is wishing love.

So let’s break this down. In simplest terms, affectionate love is to like someone. If we are in a family and we have affection towards each other, life would be much smoother. Similarly, if we have affection towards our community, we will try to make sure that everyone in our community is free from suffering. This affectionate love brings harmony and peace in the community. The easiest way to develop affectionate love is to think about how no one wants to suffer. We know that we don’t want to have any suffering in life. Similarly, no one wishes to suffer for themselves. Once we understand that all beings want to be free from suffering, we will develop affectionate love towards them. A warm feeling in our hearts towards them. It is difficult to practice this by trying to show affectionate love towards everyone at once. So one should start by showing affectionate love towards a select few that would be easier – members of your family or close friends. Then expand the circle once you are comfortable.

Cherishing love is to cherish other beings. We touched on this in one of our previous sessions. How so many people are trying to help our day go by smoothly. If we think about how many people were involved in the house we are living in or bringing the water we drink every day or food we eat every day. It is countless number of people. Just imagine how many people are involved in getting this meditation session live to all of us. Someone had to build this microphone, computer, and so on. Once we realize this, we will start cherishing others for all they do. Developing this cherishing love is what helps us develop compassion towards others.

Wishing love is our wish for all living beings to be happy. This is a natural outcome once we develop affectionate love and cherishing love towards others.

A fast-track way to develop compassion towards others is to think about all living beings as our mothers. If we believe that we have had countless lives, then we also must accept that we have had countless mothers. That means any of the living beings could be our mother in our previous lives. One can argue but that does not mean they are our mothers right now. Well, when someone’s mother passes away, she does not stop being their mother. So by that logic, since they were our mothers once, they are still our mothers. If we can begin to bring this point to our hearts, we will naturally develop compassion towards them. If for some reason you are not comfortable thinking about all living beings as your mother, you can think of being a mother to all living beings. The result is the same as you would begin to develop compassion towards them since all mothers have great compassion towards their children.

So as you can see there are a couple of ways we can train our minds to develop compassion. This is a very profound practice. It is certainly not easy but it is a fast-track way to get towards enlightenment. I hope all of us can begin to practice this in small ways in our daily life.