Tag: compassion

Moral Discipline

In the past, we briefly touched on the six perfections. Six perfections are the guide to living a life on the right path the path that leads to enlightenment. Now that is a tall order for sure but practicing these six perfections would certainly make our daily lives joyful and would bring joy to people around us. So today, let’s talk about the perfection of moral discipline.

In “The Boddhisattva Vow” Geshe Kelsang Gyatso defines moral discipline as a virtuous mental determination to abandon any fault or any action that is motivated by such a determination. That’s it. It is that simple. If we know something is wrong and we make a determination to avoid that, and follow through with it, we are practicing moral discipline.

There are three types of moral discipline; 1) the moral discipline of restraint; 2) the moral discipline of generating virtuous karma; 3) the moral discipline of benefiting other living beings.

Let’s look at each one in detail. The moral discipline of restraint is abstaining from non-virtuous acts. You see to practice this type of moral discipline we first need to understand the dangers of committing negative actions, make a promise to abandon such negative actions, and then follow through on it. Simply not doing something without knowing that it is wrong is not moral discipline. For example, a two-year-old does not know that killing is bad. If they abstain from killing they are not practicing moral discipline. Now, on the other hand, a five-year-old knows killing is bad and then avoids killing ants, they are practicing moral discipline. So if we understand the dangers of ten non-virtuous actions that we have talked about at length during our karma series, promise to refrain from them, and then follow through on that promise, we are practicing the moral discipline of restraint. If we are not ready to abandon all of the negative actions at once, we can take a vow to refrain from one particular type of non-virtuous action for a certain period. Once we keep that promise, we can increase the duration of our promise for a longer time in the next iteration.

To practice this, we need to rely upon our M A C technique. We need to be mindful so we don’t forget our vows. We need to stay alert so that when delusions crop up, we can use our conscientiousness to avoid non-virtuous actions.

Next is the moral discipline of generating virtuous karma. To me, this is easier than the first one but like anything else depending upon our own karma we find one type of moral discipline easier than the other. In this moral discipline, we need to try and generate virtuous karma. Again, it is important to be mindful of what it is that we are doing for that to be considered moral discipline. I am sure there are some benefits of accidental positive karma but positive karma created by mindfulness had the full effect if you will.

The last type of moral discipline is of benefiting living beings. This is the moral discipline of helping others in whatever way that we can. We can offer material help if someone needs it or we can offer advice to them if they are going through a difficult stage in their life or we can teach them dharma or we can pray for them at a minimum. When we help others, we should be sensitive to their needs, state of mind, experience, and point of view. If we come down as Hollier than thou, no matter how good the advice may be, they are not likely to follow it and we are not doing good to anyone.

There is an interesting story of a Tibetan monk. He had a good size following and one day he was giving teaching from a throne to a few hundred followers. There was this lady in the village whose daughter was sick and someone told her that if she put the daughter in the monk’s care, that would save her daughter. So the lady takes a few-month-old daughter in a basket to the monk when he was giving a lecture and said out loud, here keep your daughter. She is your daughter so you raise her. Then she quietly told the monk to save her daughter. Monk just nodded and took the baby in his lap and continued with his teaching. Over the next few years, he raised this baby like she was his own. Once the lady realized that her daughter was healthy she came back to pick her up. Now talk about the moral discipline of helping living beings! Most people would have worried about their reputation and whatnot. Not this monk. He wanted to help and realized that if he challenged the lady, he would not be able to help the baby.

I know none of us are monks but if we apply some of these teachings at a small level in our lives; the world would be a better place.

Karma

We are going to start a series on Karma today. This is a very deep subject so I want to make sure we give enough attention to make sure we have a chance to really understand the subject matter. I am sure you have heard the phrase what goes around comes around. Or you reap what you sow. These are just reminders of how Karma works. Actually, Karma works in much more mysterious ways. But in general, virtuous Karma creates pleasant experiences and non-virtuous Karma creates unpleasant experiences. Let’s look at what is Karma. Karma is a body or speech action initiated by mental action. One cannot create Karma with just bodily action without a mental intention. For example, if I accidentally slap you when trying to get a bee out of your face, I do not create negative Karma since I did not have the intention to slap you. So every time we create a mental action, it leaves what is known as a Karmic imprint on our mind. Essentially, it leaves a potentiality in our minds. This potentiality ripens when the conditions are just right and we feel the effect of those Karma—negative or positive. How come we don’t see the effects of our Karma immediately you might ask? It is very simple. Let’s say you saw a seed in the soil. Now until there is rain, there are no conditions for that seed to ripen and become a plant. Just like that the conditions have to be right for the potentiality of our Karma to ripen.

Another thing to understand is that no two living beings have the exact same set of Karma. Each one of us has a different individual Karma that explains why each one of us has a unique set of experiences. The laws of Karma are why every individual has a unique mental disposition, unique physical appearance, and unique experience. You may notice that some people are prone to accidents or illness while others enjoy pleasant experiences. Some people are difficult to please and others are happy no matter the circumstances. Our acquaintances and relationships are also based on Karma. You may have noticed that you have a very close relationship with someone and after some time they almost disappear from your life. Your friendships end sometimes abruptly and you never talk again to that person. This is because of your karmic relationship with that person and once Karma is used up, there is no more bond. One of my relatives said it very matter of factly once. He used to have this friend with whom they will hang out twice a week. Over time, they drifted apart and stopped seeing each other. Once I was visiting with him and said I don’t see your friend anymore. He said, Raju, our Karmic bond must be over.

An important point to note is that Karma can ripen anytime. It is not necessary for one lifetime’s Karma to ripen in the same lifetime. In fact, often they don’t. This means Karma we have created may ripen if the appropriate circumstances and potentialities arise. That may explain why seemingly nice people sometimes end up suffering immense pain. There is also something called collective Karma. A group of people and their collective Karma ripen that creates external circumstances. For example, some places are always going through wars and atrocities that go along with them. Some places are prone to natural disasters and so on.  This is why we need to make sure that we avoid negative or non-virtuous actions. If we understand the law of Karma, we will understand how we can control our future experiences. If we abandon negative Karma, we will eliminate miserable experiences and by practicing virtuous Karma, we will increase our potential for happiness. We must be mindful throughout the day to make sure that we are not creating negative Karma.

Quiet Time

Have you ever had a feeling that you are just on the go all the time? There is always something to do or someone to entertain! I know a number of people who enjoy this fast pace life. But it is good to give yourself a timeout every now and then and recharge yourself. So today, let’s discuss enjoying quiet time on your own.

First, let’s look at why quiet time is important in our lives. A quiet time allows us to self-reflect. It actually may lead to daydreaming. When we are in a quiet zone, our mind tends to focus on what matters most in our lives. I do want to caution you though. If you are not used to quiet time, at first, it would seem like the mind wants to go everywhere but eventually, it will settle down. As we get accustomed to quiet time, we will become mindful and see the advantages of being in the present moment.

Staying quiet also has physical benefits it seems. A 2006 NIH study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1860846/) shows that staying quiet for 2 minutes significantly reduces heart rate and blood pressure. The opposite is also true and a noisy environment increases blood pressure and heart rate.

Some people have difficulty staying silent. Fear of missing out has a lot to do with this. A lot of people in our society need external stimuli such as social media and personal devices to keep themselves busy. If you think about it, they are trying to avoid their inner thoughts and feelings. Have you noticed that young adults tend to get bored easily? They just don’t know how to be with themselves. I often say that if you enjoy your company, you will never be bored! Another advantage of being quiet is that it allows us to make sense of it all. All the chaos that may be happening around us all of a sudden makes sense. We can see the bigger picture if you will. Here is interesting research I found. Boredom leads to creativity. According to John Eastwood of the Boredom Lab at York University in Canada (I am as surprised as you are that there is such a thing as Boredom Lab!), two key things are happening in the mind when we are bored. The first thing is they have a desire to do something. The other is that there is access to mental capacity that is available. A combination of these things leads to creative ideas.

So how do we stay quiet you might ask. There are a number of ways to practice staying still. Here are just a few of them. The easiest thing you can do is stay in the bed a little longer. Pick a weekend day and just don’t get out of bed for a few hours! Another approach is to seat after your meal at your dining table. My wife excels at this! She would just seat quietly for an hour after her meal. That is her own time. Another approach is to try to challenge yourself to stay silent for a certain amount of time. We used to play this game when kids were growing up. Whoever can stay silent the most wins the game. This is such a relief as a parent I tell you. Kids get to play the game and you enjoy a little peace and quiet! Yet another way is to go for a swim or a hike without your phone. That is going to be some quality quiet time.

A Harvard Business Review article from 2017 notes that quite time “increases your chances of encountering novel ideas and information and discerning weak signals.” When we’re constantly fixated on the verbal agenda—what to say next, what to write next, what to tweet next—it’s tough to make room for truly different perspectives or radically new ideas. It’s hard to drop into deeper modes of listening and attention. And it’s in those deeper modes of attention that truly novel ideas are found.

So here is an interesting idea. Some people think the craving for silent time is somehow cheating the system or not taking care of your responsibility. That cannot be further from the truth. We all need that alone time. That is the time where we can take care of our mental needs. Our mind needs that rest.

I hope this gives you something to think about and make quiet time part of your daily routine. If you have young children, I strongly encourage you to teach of how to be quiet. It is difficult but well worth the effort for their own future well-being.

Being Compassionate While Disagreeing

I was at a party over the weekend and a group of us started talking politics. Uh oh!! Obviously, there were differing opinions on the table. Now, all of us are friends for the better part of 20 years or 30 years in some cases. So we all just leave our discussions on the table when we get up and everything is just fine. But that is not the case all the time when we talk about difficult topics. So that leads me to think about how we can be compassionate towards those with who we disagree. Let’s jump in.

Have you noticed that when you are having a discussion with someone who you love and know or you are friends with, even when you disagree, you tend not to be judgmental? You agree to disagree but your relationships stay intact. It is when we are talking to people who we don’t identify with, or of different communities, or otherwise cannot relate to you tend to be judgmental. You would come to conclusion and will not react with compassion towards this person. This is the root of the problem in our public discourse today.

This happens for a number of reasons. Two prominent reasons among them are our pre-existing judgment and biases towards a group of people and lack of belief that they are coming from a genuine deeply held point of view. Once we realize this, the rest becomes easier. So how do we overcome these pre-existing judgments and certain beliefs or lack thereof?

The first thing to do is get to know the people who are you are having a discussion with if possible. Have an offline conversation that is universal such as sports or weather or community at large.

The next thing is to do is think about someone who you know has similar beliefs. If you imagine that you are having a discussion with the person you already know, you are less likely to judge or be biased towards this person. Try this next time you find yourself arguing with your television or social media platform!

It is also important to pay attention to what the other person is saying. When you respond, if you acknowledge what they are trying to say (does not mean you are agreeing with their point just that you understand what they are trying to say), then it will soften some of the tension during the conversation. Another important point is to make sure that you hear them out so that they have an outlet for their argument before responding to them. This gives them a safe space and reduces any heated exchanges.

Ultimately though, you want to figure out your own biases and work through them. One thing that may help is to figure out the last time you changed your opinion about something. That is an admission that your views are not always correct and there is room for a different plausible argument. This always humbles us.

In his book Severn Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey highlights that it is our ability to “seek first to understand, then be understood” that makes us effective. At some level, we already know this. So why do we still not show that compassion when we are disagreeing with someone? This most likely is coming out of our strong sense of self. Our attachment to our “I” that we have talked about before. We probably think that if we show compassion, we are endorsing their point of view or we are compromising our own beliefs. All that means is that we are more worried about our ego and need to be right. Here is an example. Personally, I believe that every life is precious and would not make a decision for abortion if it was my decision. But, I also understand this is a life-changing decision and it is ultimately a woman’s right to choose. A lot of people I know thought this was a conflicting position. I do not see any conflict in this position. I am very clear as to what I would do if I were in a particular situation but that does not give me the right to affect someone else’s life.

About 18 years ago, I had a very interesting discussion with a religious leader about this topic. They happened to be at my home on an election day of all time! He was visibly upset when I said what I believed. He thought it was an absolute black and white issue and all life is precious—which I agreed with him wholeheartedly—and that there was no room for other beliefs. This is where compassion needs to enter the dialog. An otherwise highly compassionate person can lose their patience when an argument shakes their belief system.

Perseverance

Today, I want to talk about one of the six perfections. We have already talked about a couple of the perfections in the past including generosity and patience. Let’s discuss today perseverance. This is also known as vigor and enthusiasm. I am sure you have heard this expression that goes half of life is just showing up. I used to tell this to my kids all the time. All that means is to make sure that you are consistently showing up for what needs to be done. Keep giving your efforts without regard to short-term results or lack thereof.

Let me give you an example. When I came to the US, during the first semester, I was paying for all my expenses. As an international student, the fees are really high. So the goal for most international students is to receive a research assistant position where the University waives your tuition and pays you a small stipend on top of that. Within the first month of starting the semester, I started talking to professors for a potential research assistant position. One professor told me, he had a grant application out with the National Science Foundation and if it was approved, he would have two or three positions open. I would go visit the professor every two weeks to see if heard anything from the NSF. About two months later, one day I visited the professor and asked if he heard anything. To my surprise, he said, yes his application was approved and he would need three research assistants on that project. He said there were about ten students who were asking him for a position. Then he said something totally surprising. He said he was going to interview everyone for two of the position and he was offering me one of the positions. I thanked him and he went, do you know why I offered you this position? I had no clue. He explained that I was the only one, who was persistent, meeting him every two weeks, and wanted his lead researcher to be someone with that kind of drive. Who knew?

The point here is that no matter how many times you hear no, or fail, we must get up and move towards our goal. Let me put it another way. Have you ever owned a stock? I am not a stock market guy personally. But I have heard so many stories where people get out of their position because it was going down just to see their stocks turn around and go higher.  If they only held on to that for a few more days or weeks. Again, this is not meant to be stock market advice. I have zero experience in the stock market.

What perseverance means is that we must become independent of internal and external influences when we are moving toward a goal. All of you are here listening to these meditation videos and attending sessions because something in you tells you that you want to become mindful. You want some level of mental peace and joy and bliss within you. if that is the goal then please make sure that you don’t get influenced by outside influences. You will have good meditation days and not-so-good meditation days. Some days you may feel like you met Buddha himself and other days, your mind is so wound up that nothing brings peace it seems. That is perfectly OK. With time, you will be able to get into a situation where no matter the external conditions, you will be able to bring your mind to peace.

So please don’t give up because you think you are not making progress in your meditation practice. You are certainly making a progress. I had this interesting discussion with a young person. This person is in their early twenties and was having some challenges. I was trying to help them walk through the situation and kind of helping them make a plan for long-term success. We would talk weekly. After a couple of weeks, they said it doesn’t seem like they are making any progress and it feels two steps forward and one step backward. I said OK; imagine if you are walking from your house to the nearest pizza place. Let’s say it is 1,000 steps away. Once you start your journey, let’s say you take two steps forward and one step backward. After say about 10 minutes, you are 20 steps away from your house. If you did not take one step backward, you would have been 30 steps away. Even with 20 steps away from your house, you are still closer to the pizza place than you were if you were just sitting in your house. And that is what is important.

The moral of the discussion here is to make sure you keep performing beneficial actions and don’t give up because you are not seeing immediate results.