meditation – Page 12 – Meditative Man

Quiet Time

Have you ever had a feeling that you are just on the go all the time? There is always something to do or someone to entertain! I know a number of people who enjoy this fast pace life. But it is good to give yourself a timeout every now and then and recharge yourself. So today, let’s discuss enjoying quiet time on your own.

First, let’s look at why quiet time is important in our lives. A quiet time allows us to self-reflect. It actually may lead to daydreaming. When we are in a quiet zone, our mind tends to focus on what matters most in our lives. I do want to caution you though. If you are not used to quiet time, at first, it would seem like the mind wants to go everywhere but eventually, it will settle down. As we get accustomed to quiet time, we will become mindful and see the advantages of being in the present moment.

Staying quiet also has physical benefits it seems. A 2006 NIH study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1860846/) shows that staying quiet for 2 minutes significantly reduces heart rate and blood pressure. The opposite is also true and a noisy environment increases blood pressure and heart rate.

Some people have difficulty staying silent. Fear of missing out has a lot to do with this. A lot of people in our society need external stimuli such as social media and personal devices to keep themselves busy. If you think about it, they are trying to avoid their inner thoughts and feelings. Have you noticed that young adults tend to get bored easily? They just don’t know how to be with themselves. I often say that if you enjoy your company, you will never be bored! Another advantage of being quiet is that it allows us to make sense of it all. All the chaos that may be happening around us all of a sudden makes sense. We can see the bigger picture if you will. Here is interesting research I found. Boredom leads to creativity. According to John Eastwood of the Boredom Lab at York University in Canada (I am as surprised as you are that there is such a thing as Boredom Lab!), two key things are happening in the mind when we are bored. The first thing is they have a desire to do something. The other is that there is access to mental capacity that is available. A combination of these things leads to creative ideas.

So how do we stay quiet you might ask. There are a number of ways to practice staying still. Here are just a few of them. The easiest thing you can do is stay in the bed a little longer. Pick a weekend day and just don’t get out of bed for a few hours! Another approach is to seat after your meal at your dining table. My wife excels at this! She would just seat quietly for an hour after her meal. That is her own time. Another approach is to try to challenge yourself to stay silent for a certain amount of time. We used to play this game when kids were growing up. Whoever can stay silent the most wins the game. This is such a relief as a parent I tell you. Kids get to play the game and you enjoy a little peace and quiet! Yet another way is to go for a swim or a hike without your phone. That is going to be some quality quiet time.

A Harvard Business Review article from 2017 notes that quite time “increases your chances of encountering novel ideas and information and discerning weak signals.” When we’re constantly fixated on the verbal agenda—what to say next, what to write next, what to tweet next—it’s tough to make room for truly different perspectives or radically new ideas. It’s hard to drop into deeper modes of listening and attention. And it’s in those deeper modes of attention that truly novel ideas are found.

So here is an interesting idea. Some people think the craving for silent time is somehow cheating the system or not taking care of your responsibility. That cannot be further from the truth. We all need that alone time. That is the time where we can take care of our mental needs. Our mind needs that rest.

I hope this gives you something to think about and make quiet time part of your daily routine. If you have young children, I strongly encourage you to teach of how to be quiet. It is difficult but well worth the effort for their own future well-being.

Don’t Compare

Often we find ourselves comparing ourselves with other people. Deep down all of us know that it is not worth it but we end up doing it anyway. As Teddy Roosevelt said, Comparison is the thief of joy. So today, I thought we would explore why we compare with others and how to stop doing that.

Let’s first look at why we compare ourselves with others. Human beings are comparing themselves since the beginning of time. That is how we create a baseline if you will. One thing however you will notice is that we tend to compare ourselves with people who we think are in the same social circle as we are. This is quite interesting. I have never met anyone who compares themselves with Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos. It is always their friends and their neighbors!

Our brain is hard-wired in a certain way and that is what triggers comparison. It happens within a fraction of a second. To research this material, I ended up speaking with a psychologist friend of mine. He had something interesting thing to say. He believed comparison comes from an inherent sense of inadequacy. Deep down you feel that you are not enough. This sense of inadequacy is usually rooted in our upbringing or some incident that has lived with us for a long time. So if you want to figure out what is going on, next time your comparison anxiety triggers, watch your thoughts and see what is coming up. Often, these thoughts have no basis in truth it is just something we made up but it has been so long that it becomes your truth.

Comparison is not healthy. It can make on anxious and otherwise put you in a negative loop. Once you get into a habit of anxious living, it also begins to affect your relationships. It affects your closest relationships with your loved ones but also your relationship with people you compare yourselves with. You will eventually begin to resent people with who you compare yourselves.

Now that we know where the comparison comes from and what kind of negative effect it can have on our well-being, let’s look at how best to stop comparing yourselves with others. This is the voice within your head if you will. Contrary to what you may have heard, according to my friend, it is good to listen to the voices or thoughts in your head. Once you learn to listen to them, you will know your inner critic. This is the voice that is making you miserable.

The next thing is to realize is that when you are comparing yourself with someone else, you are comparing to their best version if you will. You don’t know what goes on in their life. You know what they have projected outwardly. Sometimes you only know what you see on their social media feed. Trust me, never believe what you see on social media.

If you have to compare, compare yourself to your past self. See where you were and how far you have come. This allows us to realize abundance in our life. It also allows you to realize your own strengths. This will hopefully, make you take actions that speak to your strength as opposed to someone else’s strengths.

Another way to stop yourself from comparing yourself to others is something we have talked about a lot here. We start every session with a gratitude attitude. If you are grateful for what you have and truly practice that, you will not feel the need to compare. Gratitude allows us to be joyful and joyful people tend not to compare themselves with other people.

One other way that helps in this situation is contentment. Again, we have talked about this a lot. If you are content with what you have then there is no reason for comparison. Also, remind yourself that money doesn’t buy happiness it never did and never will.

And the last thing I would say is to stop doing should have, would have, could have. The past is the past. If you feel that you lost opportunities in the past, stop dwelling over those and look for the opportunities that may be in front of you. That is the best way I know how to stop comparing myself with other people.

Being Compassionate While Disagreeing

I was at a party over the weekend and a group of us started talking politics. Uh oh!! Obviously, there were differing opinions on the table. Now, all of us are friends for the better part of 20 years or 30 years in some cases. So we all just leave our discussions on the table when we get up and everything is just fine. But that is not the case all the time when we talk about difficult topics. So that leads me to think about how we can be compassionate towards those with who we disagree. Let’s jump in.

Have you noticed that when you are having a discussion with someone who you love and know or you are friends with, even when you disagree, you tend not to be judgmental? You agree to disagree but your relationships stay intact. It is when we are talking to people who we don’t identify with, or of different communities, or otherwise cannot relate to you tend to be judgmental. You would come to conclusion and will not react with compassion towards this person. This is the root of the problem in our public discourse today.

This happens for a number of reasons. Two prominent reasons among them are our pre-existing judgment and biases towards a group of people and lack of belief that they are coming from a genuine deeply held point of view. Once we realize this, the rest becomes easier. So how do we overcome these pre-existing judgments and certain beliefs or lack thereof?

The first thing to do is get to know the people who are you are having a discussion with if possible. Have an offline conversation that is universal such as sports or weather or community at large.

The next thing is to do is think about someone who you know has similar beliefs. If you imagine that you are having a discussion with the person you already know, you are less likely to judge or be biased towards this person. Try this next time you find yourself arguing with your television or social media platform!

It is also important to pay attention to what the other person is saying. When you respond, if you acknowledge what they are trying to say (does not mean you are agreeing with their point just that you understand what they are trying to say), then it will soften some of the tension during the conversation. Another important point is to make sure that you hear them out so that they have an outlet for their argument before responding to them. This gives them a safe space and reduces any heated exchanges.

Ultimately though, you want to figure out your own biases and work through them. One thing that may help is to figure out the last time you changed your opinion about something. That is an admission that your views are not always correct and there is room for a different plausible argument. This always humbles us.

In his book Severn Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey highlights that it is our ability to “seek first to understand, then be understood” that makes us effective. At some level, we already know this. So why do we still not show that compassion when we are disagreeing with someone? This most likely is coming out of our strong sense of self. Our attachment to our “I” that we have talked about before. We probably think that if we show compassion, we are endorsing their point of view or we are compromising our own beliefs. All that means is that we are more worried about our ego and need to be right. Here is an example. Personally, I believe that every life is precious and would not make a decision for abortion if it was my decision. But, I also understand this is a life-changing decision and it is ultimately a woman’s right to choose. A lot of people I know thought this was a conflicting position. I do not see any conflict in this position. I am very clear as to what I would do if I were in a particular situation but that does not give me the right to affect someone else’s life.

About 18 years ago, I had a very interesting discussion with a religious leader about this topic. They happened to be at my home on an election day of all time! He was visibly upset when I said what I believed. He thought it was an absolute black and white issue and all life is precious—which I agreed with him wholeheartedly—and that there was no room for other beliefs. This is where compassion needs to enter the dialog. An otherwise highly compassionate person can lose their patience when an argument shakes their belief system.

Your Life, Your Choices

Have you ever thought about why you are where you are in life? Two people who grow up in similar environments end up being completely different places in life. Why does that happen? The simplest answer is the choices we make in life. Today, let’s look at how the smallest choice we make can have an impact on our life in the long run.

I was talking to a group of young adults recently and we were discussing life in general. All of a sudden one of them said something interesting. He said when we were in high school, our focus was to get good grades by hook or by crook and not really on the love of learning. Mind you, this kid goes to Stanford and is probably one of the brightest young men I have known. He went on to tell me that the habits they developed in high school are making it difficult at his college. He said he wished he made a better choice back in high school. I thought that was very profound for a young adult to realize. You see most people go through the motion of life without realizing that where they are in life is largely due to choices they have made for better or for worse. They don’t realize that life just doesn’t happen.

I recently came across a book called “Living By Choice” by Michael Nelson. He is a pastor from Memphis, TN and it is an interesting read. Some of the choices he advocates for better living include:

The choice to embellish others and not yourself: think about it, most of the time we are too busy talking about ourselves and our achievements rather than giving credit to others who have done a phenomenal job.
The choice to be the leader of your life: I have always believed that one has to be a leader in one’s family as opposed to being a manager. You see, most people are managing their lives and their family. When you don’t lead, someone else will. That is how outside influences such as social media become dominant. There is no leadership in life.
The choice to be patient: It really doesn’t help when we get all worked up and impatient. Instead, when we come across a challenging situation, it is helpful to take a deep breath and assess the situation and be patient.
The choice to be loving: This is perhaps the most important emotion in life. When you have love in your heart, the fear and angst disappear. Next time you find yourself stressed, try love as an antidote. It seriously works.
The choice to be tolerant of opposing views: This is so much needed in today’s world. We are at a point in our public square where no one is willing to listen to anyone else. All of us have decided that our opinion is the right opinion and anyone who does not agree with us is an idiot. The media is mostly to blame along with social media algorithms that keep us in our own biased bubble.
The choice to be giving: We have talked about this so often. Giving ignites our sense of greater good and is very contagious.
The choice to show gratitude: I don’t think I have to say a lot about this. We start every session with a gratitude attitude and hopefully, you have seen a difference in your lives.
The choice to be respectful to yourself and others: R E S P E C T. It’s such a simple word but people had to fight to get respect in history. If you look at African American history or the Apartheid or Indian Freedom Struggle, a lot of people died to get a spec of respect.
The choice to follow your passion: This is so important for young adults. It is good to follow one’s passion. Because that leads to true happiness.

One thing I want to point out is that no one sets out to make a bad choice. Often we tend to make choices that lead to short-term gain or instant gratification as opposed to what is good for us in the longer term. The human brain is wired this way because in the caveman days, what was important was you get to eat or you die. We have come a long way from that day and most people don’t have to worry about day-to-day necessities. So we have to be mindful about choices we make that are good for us in the long run as opposed to what feels good at this moment. Developing mindfulness is very helpful. The easiest way to develop mindfulness is by creating a daily meditation practice.

You Are What You Eat

I am sure you have heard the phrase “You Are What You Eat.” I recently came back from a vacation. Although mindful of my diet, eating out every day on a vacation caused me to gain a few pounds of weight! You see, when we eat out, other than salads, mostly what we are eating is processed food. Even when I was making healthier choices, that process food caused me to gain some weight. So I thought today we can talk about what it means to eat healthily and what kind of effect does food has on our body as well as our mind.

Let’s first start with the low-hanging fruit and talk about the effects of food on our bodies. Most of us have sometimes during our lifetime, tried some variation of a diet. We wanted to lose just a little bit of weight. If you had the discipline, you succeeded in losing a few pounds. The problem is if you are like most people, the moment you stop your diet, you gained back most if not all of your weight. Nowadays, there are so many diet options it’s insane! I even saw the so-called psychological-based diet. Not sure how that works but point is that there are just about a million options out there.

I have gone through different diet phases in my life. What really worked for me were two things. One is self-control. If I was particular about not putting any junk in my mouth, it would work. The moment, I gave to temptation, all bets were off. The second thing which I thought was really useful was the lack of processed food in our diet. After my heart attack, I stopped most if not all processed food. And that my friend was a real kicker. My weight just was balanced. My appetite actually increased but the weight gain stopped. So if you are trying to lose a couple of pounds, try that next time you decide to go on a diet. There are other benefits of not eating processed food as well. According to a National Institute of Health study (https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/nih-study-finds-heavily-processed-foods-cause-overeating-weight-gain), processed food is not good for us. In their study, people who ate processed food on average gained 2 pounds in a month. Those who did not eat processed food actually lost 2 pounds. In this study, The ultra-processed and unprocessed meals had the same amounts of calories, sugars, fiber, fat, and carbohydrates, and participants could eat as much or as little as they wanted. Even a bagel and cream cheese are considered processed food so it is important to know what we put in our bodies. Processed foods are full of chemicals. They also tend to be addictive. These products make up 60% of the daily calories in the American diet. They are also full of added sugar.

When we stop eating processed foods, our health improves. There is actually a laundry list of benefits including better sleep, weight loss, better mood, better immune response, and so forth. In the yogic system, there is a whole world about satvik and non satvik foods but we will keep that discussion for another day.

Can food affect your psychology? My dad always says that who cooks your food has an impact on you psychologically. I never believed that or agreed with that for the longest time. Then, I started to notice a trend. Sometimes when I ate out – not always, I would get these violent dreams. I am a lucid dreamer so I generally remember parts of my dreams. After tracking this for a year or so, I am convinced that who cooks your food has an impact on you. When we eat out, a lot of times the line cooks are people who have recently been released from prisons as part of rehabilitation programs, and maybe that is what drove those dreams! Again, I have no scientific evidence to back this up so please take it with a grain of salt.

Mindfulness actually comes very handy when we are trying to eat healthily. Mindful eating allows us to only eat when we are hungry as opposed to eating for the sake of eating. It also allows us to eat what is right for us instead of what is in front of us. And there lies the kicker. When we eat impulsively, we have no idea what we are eating and in what quantity. Mindful eating takes charge of our impulsiveness and helps us stay the course. Research shows that meditation helps stop overeating. It decreases binge eating and so-called emotional eating. Emotional eating is the use of food as a way to deal with feelings and emotions. We all know that meditation reduces stress and a lot of people overeat because of stress.

How can meditation help with all this you might ask? It is quite interesting actually. According to a National Institute of Health study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5324577/), high cortisol levels in our body tend to cause weight gain. Another NIH study (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28863392/) found that meditation and mindfulness help reduce cortisol levels in our bodies. Go figure!