Tag: stress

Enemy of My Enemy

I attended a meditation retreat over the weekend. During the retreat, the teacher mentioned something that got me thinking. He said we often think that people are our enemy. However, our real enemy is our delusions. So if our real enemy is our delusions and other people’s real enemy is delusions as well then other people are our friends since we have the same enemy. Let’s dig in.

Often we consider other people as our real enemies. Someone who cut us off in traffic for example. This is how road rage starts. Someone cuts us off intentionally or otherwise. All of a sudden, we are all riled up. Some people even chase the other car putting themselves and everyone around them in danger. All because they perceive the other driver as their enemy. Funny thing is that the other driver may not even realize that they cut us off and may be just driving without giving it a thought. Now, we have given rent-free space to that driver in our head. We get angry and in that state of anger, we make decisions that are not prudent to say the least. This angry state of mind also affects our health. It increases our blood pressure, affects our heart health, affects our memory and so forth.

And this is true for all of our delusions. Whether it is anger, attachment, hatred, jealousy, and so forth, each one of our delusions affects us negatively. It affects our mental health, makes us anxious and even depressed, and all of that drama usually plays out in our heads. Shantideva an Indian scholar said and I am paraphrasing here, that we must fight our real enemy—our delusions with everything we have. We must destroy our delusions. We must not give delusions time of day if you will.

Instead, we think other people are our enemies. That driver who cut us off. Or even people who we think we love. They did not take the trash out or did not greet us properly or were upset with our behavior and so forth. But if we think about it, they all suffer from similar plight. They all have the same delusions that we are going through. It reminds me of a story about this airline passenger. There was a father and son traveling. The kid was upset and was not behaving properly. The passenger next to him got irritated and told the father that he should try and control his son. The father goes you are right and I am trying but his mom passed away recently so he is having a tough time. All of a sudden passenger felt empathy for the kid instead of anger toward him.

And this is true for anyone we think of as our enemy. They all have their own delusions they are battling with. That coworker who you think is always bothering you may have some personal issues they are going through. Because we put our comfort and our needs first, often we don’t even try to think about what may be going on in someone else’s life. This putting ourselves first is what we refer to as Self-Cherishing. Since beginningless time, we have been conditioned to think about our needs and our comfort ahead of everyone else’s. As a result, anytime someone gives us the slightest discomfort real or perceived—often it is perceived—but that is a topic for another day, we tend to regard them as our enemy. Look at our social fabric. If someone disagrees with our point of view, they are our enemy. We can’t even have a civilized conversation about our political views anymore. If we take time to put our self-cherishing aside, we will realize that everyone else is in the same boat. They all have the same delusions that we are fighting.

And if all of us have the same delusions, the same enemy if you will, then does it not make sense to think wait, they are my friends? We are all battling the same enemy here. Why don’t we team up? So empathy towards them. Realize they are not our enemies. The real enemy is within us—our delusions. If we put all our efforts into fighting this enemy, we can make a difference. Because we all have this Buddha nature. This is pure potential. This ability to be happy and peaceful all the time without getting disturbed by external events. No person or thing can make us unhappy because as they say, agony and ecstasy are within us. What happens out there should not be able to disturb what happens within us. What happens in here is entirely up to us. If we realize that, we will no longer take on the world as our enemy and resulting peace will help us become more happy, peaceful, joyful, and otherwise nicer human beings.

Change Your Mind, Change Your World

Today, let’s explore how a simple way of changing our minds can change our experiences. While researching this topic, I discovered that there is a book with the same name. How cool is that? So last session we talked about how Happiness is an inside job and how pain and pleasure are within us. How we let external conditions dictate our mood.

I am sure we all had some kind of problem today. It bothered us. It disturbed our peace. But if you think back, was that an external problem or an internal problem? I would bet a pretty penny it was an external problem. We let our external problems power to make us suffer. But it is all about perception. Say one day is going great. We feel like everything is going our way. Traffic is flowing smoothly, coworkers are on their best behavior, and so forth. The very next day, we feel like the whole world is against us. Someone cuts us off in the traffic, coworkers sound like they are demanding and whatnot. It is the same set of characters but we despise them! Why? Because our internal compass is off that day.

Let me tell you a story. I was driving through rural Mississippi about 20 years ago. I saw a small vendor on the roadside so I stopped. She was an old lady selling boiled peanuts. I bought a few and started talking with her. I asked her how her day was. She said it was an especially good day. I asked her what made that an especially good day. She said, well, I would make $20 today. Think about it! $20 was an especially good day. Granted I was in rural Mississippi in the early 2000s but still. She just had a particularly bright outlook on life you can tell. I bet she hardly had a bad day.

Everything depends upon our mind, including our sense of self. I think I may have talked about this in the past but let’s just reiterate. We all have this strong sense of self. Who we are. We are certain types of people, we do x and not y, and so forth. But if you think about it, this sense of self is not constant. It is ever-changing. Think about your 10-year-old self. I bet when you were ten, your sense of who you were was totally different from who you are today! Your 10-year-old self may not recognize who you have become. I am sure that’s true in my case. And you can say the same thing about your 20-year-old self and so on. So our sense of self is evolving. It is a good thing. And if we know it is constantly changing why are we hanging on to that sense of self? If we realize that our sense of self depends upon our thoughts, it becomes liberating! We are free to change our thoughts and in turn our sense of self. How cool is that?

Our sense of self is always based on our delusions. Our anger, jealousy, pride, attachment, and so on. But as long as it is an imputed sense of self, why not impute a happier state of mind? Because the universe gives us what we want. If we are always identifying ourselves as a tired, frustrated, and angry person then that is what the universe will give us. We do what we intend to do anyway. So why not create the intention to be happy all the time? If we are feeling completely rattled and overwhelmed, rather than identifying with that rattled and frustrated self, why don’t we tell ourselves, we are peaceful? We identify ourselves with our peaceful nature. We are this inherently peaceful person who happens to get rattled or frustrated every now and then. Now, we have changed the basis of our imputation all of a sudden. We are no longer identifying ourselves with the unhappy or angry but recognize that those are just our delusions that flare up from time to time.

We have talked about this before that we have the unlimited potential for peace. We are like this golden nugget that has some dirt on it. We recognize that we are not this dirty rock but actually a golden nugget with some dirt. As soon as we realize and accept that, we begin the work of removing the dirt from our golden nugget so we can be that peaceful person all the time.

Financial Uncertainties Got You Down?

I was talking to a group of people who are in the mortgage business over the weekend. This is one of the most stressful times for this group in the past 13 years. Most of them earn their money on the commission they make from loan origination. As you can imagine, loan originations have come to a screeching halt in the past four months. This uncertainty about the future is creating a lot of anxiety—which is natural. So I thought how about we discuss how we can embrace these uncertain times and see what kind of possibilities might open up? Let’s dig in.

Let’s face it. There is comfort in certainty. We as human beings love routines. It gives us this sense of security. You see our brains have a bias against change. Change means things can get worse—it could get better but there is a possibility that it could get worse. This means there is a possibility of a painful experience. No matter how small that possibility might be, from our caveman days, we have wired our brains to avoid pain at all costs. That means regardless of the potential for upside, our brain will try to avoid uncertainty.

When we start living by avoiding all uncertainty, we tend to isolate ourselves from the world. This creates its own set of problems. Sometimes, people start on a negative feedback loop and create mental health issues for themselves. I am sure you know someone in your life who is in a job they absolutely hate. They have told you that in that many words. They have been complaining about it for years. However, they feel that a change of job is uncertain and would not pull the trigger. For them, it is the choice between the devil you know versus the unknown. If instead, they develop the courage to embrace the uncertainty, they may find there indeed are greener pastures on the other side. In these times of uncertainty, it may be time to look for what else is out there. Although, it is tough for someone in the mortgage business to manage finances arguably this is the best job market to be looking for a job in multi-generations.

There are a number of things we need to adopt in order to embrace uncertainty. First thing is to realize that there is no such thing as a certainty. We talked about this before and the only constant in life is change. Similarly, the only thing certain in life is uncertainty. The sooner we accept this, the better we will be. Once we embrace the uncertainties in life, we will be able to see opportunities that present us. I was recently talking to a retail day trader. Quite possibly, he is the most successful retail day trader in history. He has had days better than Goldman Sachs on occasion! I asked him what he thought made him successful when 98% of the people who try end up failing. He said something interesting. He said he never goes into a day expecting something from the market. He said I am here for what the market has to offer. I don’t hope for the market to go one way or another. Now here is the guy who has truly embraced uncertainty.

You see when we stop hoping for things, we are embracing uncertainty. This leads us to become excited about possibilities. When you don’t know what is coming and have embraced it, all of a sudden you have a kid’s curious mind. You are now wondering what will happen instead of hoping for a particular outcome.

Embracing uncertainty also allows us to learn more about the fear within. It allows us to learn about who we really are. But embracing uncertainty and thriving in uncertainty is not a quick thing. It happens over time. It actually is a process where we learn how to avoid judging ourselves.

When we embrace uncertainty, we are accepting the fact that we don’t have all the answers. That is such a liberating feeling. It also helps us find better ways. Now that we accepted our ignorance, it allows us to ask questions and find answers. We tend to throw a wider net when we know we don’t have the answers. This broadens our horizons.

I strongly encourage all of you to embrace uncertainty. You will be amazed by the change for the better.

Why Meditate?

I was at a party over the weekend. During our idle chatter, someone asked me why I meditate and what is the purpose. They continued if that brings 10 minutes of peace in one’s day. I thought it’s been a while since we looked at why we are getting together every Tuesday so it would be nice to look at that again. Surely, we want to find that peace within us on a daily basis for however long that we can find it. But the purpose of practice is never the practice.

What do I mean by that? Let’s say you decide to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Now unless you are used to climbing fourteeners, climbing Mount Kilimanjaro is no small feat. Especially, on the last day. The first few days it is relatively easy but on the last day, you are supposed to start climbing around 9 or 10 pm. You will reach the peak just around dawn. You take a few pictures and then continue with the descent for about four hours or so before getting to a camp. This is not an easy day for anybody. You will be essentially on your feet for 10 hours or so. In this case, you will start conditioning your body before you head out to Tanzania. You begin a daily exercise routine and probably weekly climbing practice. The purpose of this conditioning is not to get good at conditioning but to prepare yourself for the climb on Mount Kilimanjaro.

Our daily meditation practice is supposed to condition us for our daily worldly activities. For example, let’s say you buy a 10,000-piece Lego puzzle. That’s a lot of pieces and would take you a few days to complete for sure. Now you begin to organize your pieces in different piles first. Then you begin to build the puzzle. You spend say 30 minutes doing this. If you spend the next 23 ½ hours breaking what you have already built and mixing all the pieces you had separated what is the result? The next day, you will have a bigger challenge on your hand.

So when we meditate, we are trying to find that peace within us for sure. The bigger purpose however is to make sure that we carry that with us throughout the rest of our day. We want to be centered no matter what life throws at us. That is the real purpose of our meditation. Getting grounded within ourselves. If during our meditation practice say you had a rough time concentrating on a particular day. But after meditation is complete, you can be kind and loving towards everyone you come across. That is a successful mediation session. On the other hand, if you had a peaceful meditation where you came close to enlightenment but after the meditation session you have difficulty showing compassion towards anyone, that was an unsuccessful meditation session.

And of course, there are actual health benefits of meditation that we have discussed before. They include reduced stress, lower anxiety, improved self-awareness, and so on. In a nutshell, meditation leads to a peaceful mind. It puts us in a relaxed state of being both physically and mentally.

Before we begin our meditation I just want to remind everyone about the 10 x 10 practice we have discussed in the past. Try to take 10 deep breaths approx. 10 times every day. Each breath comes from your diaphragm. Put your hand on your stomach. As you breathe, your stomach should expand. So take a deep inhalation. You will feel your stomach expand. When you exhale, you deflate your stomach – they say to try to reach your spinal cord with your stomach.

Even if you are in the middle of a project, just stop and take 10 deep breaths. You can do this every hour – the easiest way to do this is to put an alarm on your phone so you have a reminder. When you take these breaths, be sure to focus on the sensation of your breath in your nostrils. I believe this will help you calm down in the middle of the day and will bring you can to your center if you are having a difficult day.

War and Stress

I am sure you have some thoughts on the ongoing war in Ukraine. You have to be living under the rock if you are not familiar with the situation by now. Has the war affected you personally at all? I know it has an effect on my psyche for sure. So today let’s talk about how we can cope with war-related stress. This of course assumes that you are physically far away from Ukraine. If you are in a war zone, this may not be of much help to you.

I didn’t even realize at first that I was having war-related stress. I could tell I was a little bit tense for a few days. I could not figure out what was going on. When I started to think about it, I realized that all this war talk is taking a toll. So I tried to figure out why was it affecting me personally. There is of course the compassionate part where I feel for the people in Ukraine but I thought it was deeper than that.

Upon further examination, I realized that it was more about the uncertainty that comes with the war. Affect the economy at a time when we are already in an inflationary environment. Potential for a world war iii if we do end up dragged into it, the potential for a global recession, and so forth. If you feel that your behavior has changed in the past couple of weeks, you might want to self-examine to see if you are having what they call “Headline Stress” – they actually, have a name for it! Who knew?

During my research for this episode, I learned that women and children have an increased vulnerability to the psychological consequences of war. Studies have shown that children have a higher rate of war-related stress than adults. This is kind of understandable because they are not able to process the situation and what they learn on the media tends to be scary.

Wo how do you know if you have war-related stress? Some of the things to look out for include, trouble concentrating, anxiety about the future, being easily irritable, lack of appetite, difficulty sleeping, difficulty making decisions, and so on.

So if you feel this is bothering you, how do you go about fixing it? Fortunately, solutions are simple and plenty. The first thing, to do is to control your intake. Being glued in front of breaking news is the last thing you need. I am not saying to turn yourself off from the information world we live in. But do not over consume the media feed. I got my aha moment when I was watching a news show and they repeated the same clip 6 times in the same one-hour program! That told me they were just hyping something for the eyeballs. Another thing I realized in the same newscast is the fact that a lot of this is propaganda. We only get a point of view. I saw this clip of alleged Russian army atrocities. When I analyzed the clip, I noticed that they did not show any army personnel, no one’s face was visible, there was no license plate on the car, and a few other things that would make the clip suspect. Between these two incidents, I got over my war news appetite. I am telling you, I instantly could see that my stress was relieved.

Another helpful tip is to limit your social media time. As we have discussed in the past, the social media feed keeps us in the bubble of our own opinions and does not allow us to look at the broader picture. Yet another thing to do is embrace uncertainty. Yes, the war is uncertain and it may have negative consequences in the economy, the job market, and such but there is nothing you can do so let’s just see what comes next.

The most important thing you can do is to make sure you maintain your health. Continue with your exercise routine, maintain healthy eating habits, and so forth. If you have not developed a meditation routine, this may be time to develop one. Spend 15 minutes a day meditating. You will be amazed at what that does to your peace of mind. If you are not able to do that, at least, take 10 deep breaths every hour.