Tag: peace

Left Brain / Right Brain

I recently read a quote that goes “Enlightenment is not about learning but it is all about unlearning”. I thought that is such a profound statement. So today, let’s try and figure out what it is that we need to unlearn to develop lasting inner peace.

My brother and I had this discussion a few years ago. We both agreed that “Bhola Ne Bhagwan Jaldi Male”. Loosely translated, simple people get to Nirvana faster. There is a lot of truth in this. If you think about it, all we are saying when someone is simple is that they are right-brain dominated. They tend to have an artistic streak but more importantly, they focus on life’s little pleasures. They are at peace with themselves most of the time. They are not out there trying to prove anything to anyone. When you are happy, inner peace naturally comes to you.

So how do we get to a point where a lot of people in the Western world lost their ability to connect with their right brain? I have a theory. I believe that from an early age, we put so much emphasis on left-brain activities for children. Our linguistics controls are in our left brain. So does the ability to do Math. The area that keeps us organized is right in the center of our left brain and of course, the logic that we put so much emphasis on also is on the left side of the brain. As a result, we as a society have put undue emphasis on the dominance of the left brain.

What we learn to be successful in daily life actually gets in the way of our inner happiness. We learn about how to be “clever”, how to out-negotiate someone, how to push buttons to get our ways, and so on. All of these things give us some degree of material success and allow us to make “progress”. However, all of these skills increase our inner chatter. This inner chatter keeps us on the toe and keeps us always on the go. Which in turn prevents us from reaching true lasting happiness.

All of us have this potential for lasting inner peace. However, these so-called life skills are like layers of dust on the nugget of happiness. The dust layers are so thick that we don’t even know what the nugget looks like anymore. This is what the quote means when we talk about enlightenment is about unlearning.

So how do we remove this dirt from our inherently peaceful nature you ask? Well, the first thing to do is recognize. Once you realize that we need to unlearn some of these, it is then a matter of getting to work in a step-by-step fashion. We can begin with keeping an eye out for our inner chatter. Our mind keeps going all the time thinking of all kinds of things. It plays and replays things that happened in the past. It makes up stories about what may happen in the future. I recently read the book “My Stroke of Insight” by Dr. Jill Taylor. This is an interesting story. Dr. Taylor is a neuroanatomist. I didn’t know the word until I read the book quite frankly. Essentially, she studies brain-behavior for a living. At the age of 37, she had a devastating stroke. He left-brain hemorrhaged and as a result, she could not read, write, speak, hear, see for a long time. It took her eight years to recover believe it or not. In her book, Dr. Taylor says something interesting. She says our inner chatter has very little basis in fact. It makes up all the stories based on the previous history that is most convenient at the time.

My question to you is if our inner chatter is all made up, why are we listening to it anyway. Do me a favor, keep an eye out for where your inner chatter takes you for the next day or so. You will realize that it mostly wants to take you on a ride that is not useful anyway. So when you do catch yourself with this inner chat, bring yourself back. Just think about a happy incident that happened recently. Or, listen to music or start doing some arts and crafts. Point is, bring yourself to the present moment. Every week, when we meditate we talk about how the present moment is peaceful and how that allows us to have the next peaceful moment and so on. So if we are aware of our inner chat, it will allow us to bring ourselves back to the present moment. I hope this makes sense and we all start paying attention to the right side of our brain just a little more than we have been.

Quiet Time

Have you ever had a feeling that you are just on the go all the time? There is always something to do or someone to entertain! I know a number of people who enjoy this fast pace life. But it is good to give yourself a timeout every now and then and recharge yourself. So today, let’s discuss enjoying quiet time on your own.

First, let’s look at why quiet time is important in our lives. A quiet time allows us to self-reflect. It actually may lead to daydreaming. When we are in a quiet zone, our mind tends to focus on what matters most in our lives. I do want to caution you though. If you are not used to quiet time, at first, it would seem like the mind wants to go everywhere but eventually, it will settle down. As we get accustomed to quiet time, we will become mindful and see the advantages of being in the present moment.

Staying quiet also has physical benefits it seems. A 2006 NIH study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1860846/) shows that staying quiet for 2 minutes significantly reduces heart rate and blood pressure. The opposite is also true and a noisy environment increases blood pressure and heart rate.

Some people have difficulty staying silent. Fear of missing out has a lot to do with this. A lot of people in our society need external stimuli such as social media and personal devices to keep themselves busy. If you think about it, they are trying to avoid their inner thoughts and feelings. Have you noticed that young adults tend to get bored easily? They just don’t know how to be with themselves. I often say that if you enjoy your company, you will never be bored! Another advantage of being quiet is that it allows us to make sense of it all. All the chaos that may be happening around us all of a sudden makes sense. We can see the bigger picture if you will. Here is interesting research I found. Boredom leads to creativity. According to John Eastwood of the Boredom Lab at York University in Canada (I am as surprised as you are that there is such a thing as Boredom Lab!), two key things are happening in the mind when we are bored. The first thing is they have a desire to do something. The other is that there is access to mental capacity that is available. A combination of these things leads to creative ideas.

So how do we stay quiet you might ask. There are a number of ways to practice staying still. Here are just a few of them. The easiest thing you can do is stay in the bed a little longer. Pick a weekend day and just don’t get out of bed for a few hours! Another approach is to seat after your meal at your dining table. My wife excels at this! She would just seat quietly for an hour after her meal. That is her own time. Another approach is to try to challenge yourself to stay silent for a certain amount of time. We used to play this game when kids were growing up. Whoever can stay silent the most wins the game. This is such a relief as a parent I tell you. Kids get to play the game and you enjoy a little peace and quiet! Yet another way is to go for a swim or a hike without your phone. That is going to be some quality quiet time.

A Harvard Business Review article from 2017 notes that quite time “increases your chances of encountering novel ideas and information and discerning weak signals.” When we’re constantly fixated on the verbal agenda—what to say next, what to write next, what to tweet next—it’s tough to make room for truly different perspectives or radically new ideas. It’s hard to drop into deeper modes of listening and attention. And it’s in those deeper modes of attention that truly novel ideas are found.

So here is an interesting idea. Some people think the craving for silent time is somehow cheating the system or not taking care of your responsibility. That cannot be further from the truth. We all need that alone time. That is the time where we can take care of our mental needs. Our mind needs that rest.

I hope this gives you something to think about and make quiet time part of your daily routine. If you have young children, I strongly encourage you to teach of how to be quiet. It is difficult but well worth the effort for their own future well-being.

Being Compassionate While Disagreeing

I was at a party over the weekend and a group of us started talking politics. Uh oh!! Obviously, there were differing opinions on the table. Now, all of us are friends for the better part of 20 years or 30 years in some cases. So we all just leave our discussions on the table when we get up and everything is just fine. But that is not the case all the time when we talk about difficult topics. So that leads me to think about how we can be compassionate towards those with who we disagree. Let’s jump in.

Have you noticed that when you are having a discussion with someone who you love and know or you are friends with, even when you disagree, you tend not to be judgmental? You agree to disagree but your relationships stay intact. It is when we are talking to people who we don’t identify with, or of different communities, or otherwise cannot relate to you tend to be judgmental. You would come to conclusion and will not react with compassion towards this person. This is the root of the problem in our public discourse today.

This happens for a number of reasons. Two prominent reasons among them are our pre-existing judgment and biases towards a group of people and lack of belief that they are coming from a genuine deeply held point of view. Once we realize this, the rest becomes easier. So how do we overcome these pre-existing judgments and certain beliefs or lack thereof?

The first thing to do is get to know the people who are you are having a discussion with if possible. Have an offline conversation that is universal such as sports or weather or community at large.

The next thing is to do is think about someone who you know has similar beliefs. If you imagine that you are having a discussion with the person you already know, you are less likely to judge or be biased towards this person. Try this next time you find yourself arguing with your television or social media platform!

It is also important to pay attention to what the other person is saying. When you respond, if you acknowledge what they are trying to say (does not mean you are agreeing with their point just that you understand what they are trying to say), then it will soften some of the tension during the conversation. Another important point is to make sure that you hear them out so that they have an outlet for their argument before responding to them. This gives them a safe space and reduces any heated exchanges.

Ultimately though, you want to figure out your own biases and work through them. One thing that may help is to figure out the last time you changed your opinion about something. That is an admission that your views are not always correct and there is room for a different plausible argument. This always humbles us.

In his book Severn Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey highlights that it is our ability to “seek first to understand, then be understood” that makes us effective. At some level, we already know this. So why do we still not show that compassion when we are disagreeing with someone? This most likely is coming out of our strong sense of self. Our attachment to our “I” that we have talked about before. We probably think that if we show compassion, we are endorsing their point of view or we are compromising our own beliefs. All that means is that we are more worried about our ego and need to be right. Here is an example. Personally, I believe that every life is precious and would not make a decision for abortion if it was my decision. But, I also understand this is a life-changing decision and it is ultimately a woman’s right to choose. A lot of people I know thought this was a conflicting position. I do not see any conflict in this position. I am very clear as to what I would do if I were in a particular situation but that does not give me the right to affect someone else’s life.

About 18 years ago, I had a very interesting discussion with a religious leader about this topic. They happened to be at my home on an election day of all time! He was visibly upset when I said what I believed. He thought it was an absolute black and white issue and all life is precious—which I agreed with him wholeheartedly—and that there was no room for other beliefs. This is where compassion needs to enter the dialog. An otherwise highly compassionate person can lose their patience when an argument shakes their belief system.

Your Life, Your Choices

Have you ever thought about why you are where you are in life? Two people who grow up in similar environments end up being completely different places in life. Why does that happen? The simplest answer is the choices we make in life. Today, let’s look at how the smallest choice we make can have an impact on our life in the long run.

I was talking to a group of young adults recently and we were discussing life in general. All of a sudden one of them said something interesting. He said when we were in high school, our focus was to get good grades by hook or by crook and not really on the love of learning. Mind you, this kid goes to Stanford and is probably one of the brightest young men I have known. He went on to tell me that the habits they developed in high school are making it difficult at his college. He said he wished he made a better choice back in high school. I thought that was very profound for a young adult to realize. You see most people go through the motion of life without realizing that where they are in life is largely due to choices they have made for better or for worse. They don’t realize that life just doesn’t happen.

I recently came across a book called “Living By Choice” by Michael Nelson. He is a pastor from Memphis, TN and it is an interesting read. Some of the choices he advocates for better living include:

  • The choice to embellish others and not yourself: think about it, most of the time we are too busy talking about ourselves and our achievements rather than giving credit to others who have done a phenomenal job.
  • The choice to be the leader of your life: I have always believed that one has to be a leader in one’s family as opposed to being a manager. You see, most people are managing their lives and their family. When you don’t lead, someone else will. That is how outside influences such as social media become dominant. There is no leadership in life.
  • The choice to be patient: It really doesn’t help when we get all worked up and impatient. Instead, when we come across a challenging situation, it is helpful to take a deep breath and assess the situation and be patient.
  • The choice to be loving: This is perhaps the most important emotion in life. When you have love in your heart, the fear and angst disappear. Next time you find yourself stressed, try love as an antidote. It seriously works.
  • The choice to be tolerant of opposing views: This is so much needed in today’s world. We are at a point in our public square where no one is willing to listen to anyone else. All of us have decided that our opinion is the right opinion and anyone who does not agree with us is an idiot. The media is mostly to blame along with social media algorithms that keep us in our own biased bubble.
  • The choice to be giving: We have talked about this so often. Giving ignites our sense of greater good and is very contagious.
  • The choice to show gratitude: I don’t think I have to say a lot about this. We start every session with a gratitude attitude and hopefully, you have seen a difference in your lives.
  • The choice to be respectful to yourself and others:  R E S P E C T. It’s such a simple word but people had to fight to get respect in history. If you look at African American history or the Apartheid or Indian Freedom Struggle, a lot of people died to get a spec of respect.
  • The choice to follow your passion: This is so important for young adults. It is good to follow one’s passion. Because that leads to true happiness.

One thing I want to point out is that no one sets out to make a bad choice. Often we tend to make choices that lead to short-term gain or instant gratification as opposed to what is good for us in the longer term. The human brain is wired this way because in the caveman days, what was important was you get to eat or you die. We have come a long way from that day and most people don’t have to worry about day-to-day necessities. So we have to be mindful about choices we make that are good for us in the long run as opposed to what feels good at this moment. Developing mindfulness is very helpful. The easiest way to develop mindfulness is by creating a daily meditation practice.

The Illusion of Control

I used to be a control freak! My wife will probably tell you I still am😊 I would make sure that everything was planned to a T and there was a backup of a backup plan! As I matured, I realized that this was all just an illusion. I thought I had control of events but in reality, I was just planning for contingencies so things when they don’t pan out, I still felt I was in control because of those contingencies. Today, let’s talk about why control is an illusion and how we can free ourselves from its grip.

So the first thing we should try to figure out is how do we know if someone is a control freak. Remember, acceptance is half the battle. There are a few tell-tale signs. Two of the biggest signs are micromanaging and dislike of ambiguity. People who are control freaks generally don’t like ambiguity. They like to know everything so they can plan for every eventuality. Life does not work that way. Life is full of events that are beyond your control. It is tough for them to accept that. They also tend to micromanage in the hope for the desired outcome.

Before we discuss how to navigate control issues, let’s dig into what is the illusion of control. “The illusion of control” was coined by Ellen Langer, a Harvard psychologist. The illusion of control is overestimating one’s ability to control events. Like I mentioned earlier because you have planned for every contingency, you feel that you are controlling events even then events are spiraling out of control.  The illusion of control occurs because we think we are rational people and make thoughtful decisions. The illusion of control appears when the outcome of an event has some amount of randomness attached to it. We want to feel that it was all us so our illusion of control bias kicks in. This actually leads to making irrational decisions because we think that random outcomes was based on our process or system. However, it is not all doom and gloom. There is some positive outcome of this illusion as well. It is known to create motivation and make one feel better about themselves. It may allow one to make healthier choices.  

Who tends to have the illusion of control you might ask? In general, people who are perfectionists, tend to develop this syndrome. The best way to cope with this is to realize that it is about progress, not perfection. Let me repeat, it is about progress and not perfection. You see when we begin to value progress as opposed to perfection, we will see success every step of the way as opposed to at the end of the process. When we begin to see success in small steps, it will allow us to celebrate those successes and that eliminates the perfectionist mindset. Once the mindset is all about progress, the illusion of control naturally fades because we are looking at progress and not perfection.

Another way to deal with this illusion is to ask for opinions. The more you value other people’s opinions, the more you realize that there is no one size fits all solution. Everyone has a different view as to what success looks like in a given situation. There is no more perfect solution. Controlling events towards a specific solution no longer makes sense when a variety of solutions are perfectly acceptable.

I saw this interesting example on the internet (https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/illusion-of-control/) about illusions of control. I am not sure if this is true or not so please take it with a grain of salt. The article claims that after the American for Disability Act was passed in the US, all the close door buttons in US elevators are deactivated. All doors remain open for a minimum period of time after the last button was pushed to make sure disabled people have a chance to get into the elevator. The article claims that buttons are still installed in elevators to give riders that illusion of control! How crazy is that? Again, I don’t know if this is true or not.

One thing I have realized over the years is that there is no such thing as control. It is all an illusion. We all like to feel that our lives and events are in our control in some way. However, I believe we feel that way because other people’s agendas match with ours sometimes and that makes us feel that control. Otherwise, everyone is working to their own agenda and when they don’t match with yours, you will soon find out that you have no control. Let me give you an example. Say, you are working on a project. You have a client and your staff. Now, when the client provides you information as to what they need in a timely manner and your staff performs their work in a timely manner, you feel that illusion of control in getting your projects completed. But if the client has a higher priority task and does not respond to your queries in a timely manner or if your staff has a family situation that takes their time away from work, all of a sudden your illusion shatters. Next time, you feel like you are in control, remember this! It is actually helpful to remember when things seem to spiral out of control. Because again, they might as well snap right back before you know it.

How do we cope with this? It is easier than you think. The most important thing is to be realistic about outcomes and expectations. Another thing is to accept the fact that the majority of your life events are full of unknowns. When you accept and embrace the unknown, the need for control no longer exists. It also helps to be vulnerable. It is OK to ask for help and show vulnerability. And most importantly, we must realize that happiness lies within us. If events seem out of control, that should not affect our inner peace. Remember, pain and pleasure are within us.