mindfulness – Page 10 – Meditative Man

Positive Outlook

Have you noticed that a lot of times when life gives us lemons, we tend to complain about the sourness of those lemons? A very few people are able to make lemonades out of those lemons that life throws at them. So what does this even mean? Let’s dive in.

This reminds me of the baseball metaphor. If you are at bat and ready to hit the ball. You are expecting a fastball and are all ready to knock it out of the park. All of a sudden the pitcher throws a curveball at you. The ball actually slows down as it is coming to you. You are stumped and suddenly you get a strike. Now if you are a veteran player and do know what to do in a situation like this, you will adjust on the fly and take a single instead of that home run you were looking for. That is what it means to make lemonade out of the lemons life throws at you.

Before we can make those lemonades though, we first need to not lose it! Meaning, we need to stay positive when adversity comes at us at 100 miles an hour. The most important this in these situations is to keep things in perspective. We tend to blow things out of proportion when things go wrong. We assume the absolute worst and often our reaction is more like an overreaction. Instead, if we learn to keep things in perspective as to the extent of negative news that may be coming at us, we will be able to look at that objectively and find the right solution. We touched on this in a roundabout way in our discussions on equanimity if you recall in episode 13—I know sounds like a lifetime ago! If you get a chance, go revisit that episode.

The next thing to do is to have open communication. Understand what needs to be done and ask questions. This actually happened to me recently. We sold a building and the tenant sent us the rent after we sold the building by mistake. The buyer asked me to write him a check for the rent. I asked him if he can get the tenant to email me that they authorize me to send him a check I would be happy to otherwise, I needed to return the rent to the tenant. The buyer flipped out. He was all worked up because he did not expect that answer. I called him and said all it takes is an email from you to the tenant and why he was so hesitant about it. After talking it over with me, he realized that it was a reasonable thing to do and the matter was resolved in an hour. So it is important to understand what it is that someone is asking before getting all flipped out about it. So communication is key because oftentimes when we think is a lemon may not be a lemon at all!

Another thing that helps is always to be grateful. We always start our sessions with a gratitude attitude. A gratitude mindset helps you keep a positive outlook in the face of adversity. Yet another thing that helps is to be mindful. Slow your breathing down. As we all know, our thoughts are racing at a million miles mile per hour. When you slow your breathing down, they slow down to a manageable level.

One thing I have learned is that when people perceive something as a threat, they tend to overreact. So when life throws lemons at you, try to take them as a challenge and not as a threat. This is the key. We all know how to accept challenges and rise to them. Threats on the other hand evoke fight, flight, or freeze responses within us and that tends to be destructive.

And the last point I would like to make is that accept what you can and cannot do. What does that mean? As we have talked about this before, focus on what you can control. There are things and outcomes that are out of control. If you worry about things that you have no control over, it will become very difficult to get out of the negative spiral.

Hope all of this makes sense. Next time you come across a curveball in the shape of adversity, try to put some of these tips into practice. Hopefully, you will be able to make lemonade out of those lemons after all!

Inherent Existance

We have talked about at length in the past about inherent existence part of so-called wisdom teachings. It’s been a long time since we talked about those so in the next few episodes, I would like to revisit this topic with different examples. First of all, what really is inherent existence? If you think about most of us take the existence of all phenomena as inherent. What does that mean? Well, let’s talk about any object. A car, or a house, or clothes, or a computer, and so on. We think it exists and does not think twice about it. As a matter of fact, we think exists inherently and cling to it. This grasping or clinging is what brings the most suffering in our lives.

I know this sounds crazy. So let’s break it down. Any existence is either inherent or it is not. What is inherent existence? A phenomenon that exits from its own side is considered an inherent existence. In reality, there is no such thing. No phenomena exist from its own side. For anything to exist from its own side, either it is the same as its part or a collection of its part. There is no other possibility. Let’s take an example. This is a book. Many of you have this book. You look at this book and you say of course it exists. Now, if we just take one page from this book, would you say this is a book? For example, if you order this book from Amazon and if they only send you one page, would you say you received the book? Of course not. How about the cover page of this book? If someone only gave you a cover page, would you say it’s a book? No, you would not. So we all agree that the parts of the book are not the book. How about a collection of the parts. If I give you all the loose pages would you say it’s a book? No way you say. So there is no inherently existing book. Well, then what is this thing we called a book. It is nothing but imputation. It is a book because we called it a book. It has no inherent existence. Another way to look at this is that it is a dependent existence. I recently learned that if the person loses their eyesight say around 3 years of age. If they recover their eyesight say around the age of 40, they would not be able to see what we see. For them is just a blurb. Because that part of the brain that associates images is not developed at that age, they are never able to see the things we see. Now, if the same thing happened to them at the age of 8 when the image association is fully developed, they will be able to see what we see when they recover their eyesight. So you see, it is a dependent existence. The same things that are in our experience are not in the experience of people who have not developed image association or people who are blind.

Let’s look at this pen. Can you point to the pen? Where is the pen? Is it on your screen? Is it in my hand? You see this pen because your eye senses look at a picture of the pen, your brain interprets that as a pen. In other words, the pen is in your mind. Without your brain interpreting this object like a pen, the pen does not exist for you. In other words, it is a dependent existence.

So there are people who believe everything exists inherently meaning from their own side. As we just discussed that is just not the case. There are people who believe nothing exists at all. That is surely not the case since we are experiencing these phenomena. There is a middle way. That says that all phenomena are imputed or dependent on existence. Nothing exists inherently and all existence is imputed.

Let’s look at another example, we all have a car parked in the garage. Let’s find if the car exists inherently. For a car to exist inherently, it can either be found in its parts or it is a collection of its part. So let’s begin with its tires. If someone gave us four tires, we will certainly not call it a car. How about if someone gave us a bunch of bucket seats? Well, that is not a car. How about a door, or an engine, or brake pads? None of these parts is a car. If you take all the parts of the car put them on the ground, we won’t call it a car. So there is no inherently existing car. It is a car because we all decided to call it a car. In other words, it is an imputed existence.

Again, this is a deep subject. I would like to pick this up next week on the same topic. So we can investigate a little more to make sure that we are all on the same page as to inherent existence.

Quiet Time

Have you ever had a feeling that you are just on the go all the time? There is always something to do or someone to entertain! I know a number of people who enjoy this fast pace life. But it is good to give yourself a timeout every now and then and recharge yourself. So today, let’s discuss enjoying quiet time on your own.

First, let’s look at why quiet time is important in our lives. A quiet time allows us to self-reflect. It actually may lead to daydreaming. When we are in a quiet zone, our mind tends to focus on what matters most in our lives. I do want to caution you though. If you are not used to quiet time, at first, it would seem like the mind wants to go everywhere but eventually, it will settle down. As we get accustomed to quiet time, we will become mindful and see the advantages of being in the present moment.

Staying quiet also has physical benefits it seems. A 2006 NIH study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1860846/) shows that staying quiet for 2 minutes significantly reduces heart rate and blood pressure. The opposite is also true and a noisy environment increases blood pressure and heart rate.

Some people have difficulty staying silent. Fear of missing out has a lot to do with this. A lot of people in our society need external stimuli such as social media and personal devices to keep themselves busy. If you think about it, they are trying to avoid their inner thoughts and feelings. Have you noticed that young adults tend to get bored easily? They just don’t know how to be with themselves. I often say that if you enjoy your company, you will never be bored! Another advantage of being quiet is that it allows us to make sense of it all. All the chaos that may be happening around us all of a sudden makes sense. We can see the bigger picture if you will. Here is interesting research I found. Boredom leads to creativity. According to John Eastwood of the Boredom Lab at York University in Canada (I am as surprised as you are that there is such a thing as Boredom Lab!), two key things are happening in the mind when we are bored. The first thing is they have a desire to do something. The other is that there is access to mental capacity that is available. A combination of these things leads to creative ideas.

So how do we stay quiet you might ask. There are a number of ways to practice staying still. Here are just a few of them. The easiest thing you can do is stay in the bed a little longer. Pick a weekend day and just don’t get out of bed for a few hours! Another approach is to seat after your meal at your dining table. My wife excels at this! She would just seat quietly for an hour after her meal. That is her own time. Another approach is to try to challenge yourself to stay silent for a certain amount of time. We used to play this game when kids were growing up. Whoever can stay silent the most wins the game. This is such a relief as a parent I tell you. Kids get to play the game and you enjoy a little peace and quiet! Yet another way is to go for a swim or a hike without your phone. That is going to be some quality quiet time.

A Harvard Business Review article from 2017 notes that quite time “increases your chances of encountering novel ideas and information and discerning weak signals.” When we’re constantly fixated on the verbal agenda—what to say next, what to write next, what to tweet next—it’s tough to make room for truly different perspectives or radically new ideas. It’s hard to drop into deeper modes of listening and attention. And it’s in those deeper modes of attention that truly novel ideas are found.

So here is an interesting idea. Some people think the craving for silent time is somehow cheating the system or not taking care of your responsibility. That cannot be further from the truth. We all need that alone time. That is the time where we can take care of our mental needs. Our mind needs that rest.

I hope this gives you something to think about and make quiet time part of your daily routine. If you have young children, I strongly encourage you to teach of how to be quiet. It is difficult but well worth the effort for their own future well-being.

Your Life, Your Choices

Have you ever thought about why you are where you are in life? Two people who grow up in similar environments end up being completely different places in life. Why does that happen? The simplest answer is the choices we make in life. Today, let’s look at how the smallest choice we make can have an impact on our life in the long run.

I was talking to a group of young adults recently and we were discussing life in general. All of a sudden one of them said something interesting. He said when we were in high school, our focus was to get good grades by hook or by crook and not really on the love of learning. Mind you, this kid goes to Stanford and is probably one of the brightest young men I have known. He went on to tell me that the habits they developed in high school are making it difficult at his college. He said he wished he made a better choice back in high school. I thought that was very profound for a young adult to realize. You see most people go through the motion of life without realizing that where they are in life is largely due to choices they have made for better or for worse. They don’t realize that life just doesn’t happen.

I recently came across a book called “Living By Choice” by Michael Nelson. He is a pastor from Memphis, TN and it is an interesting read. Some of the choices he advocates for better living include:

The choice to embellish others and not yourself: think about it, most of the time we are too busy talking about ourselves and our achievements rather than giving credit to others who have done a phenomenal job.
The choice to be the leader of your life: I have always believed that one has to be a leader in one’s family as opposed to being a manager. You see, most people are managing their lives and their family. When you don’t lead, someone else will. That is how outside influences such as social media become dominant. There is no leadership in life.
The choice to be patient: It really doesn’t help when we get all worked up and impatient. Instead, when we come across a challenging situation, it is helpful to take a deep breath and assess the situation and be patient.
The choice to be loving: This is perhaps the most important emotion in life. When you have love in your heart, the fear and angst disappear. Next time you find yourself stressed, try love as an antidote. It seriously works.
The choice to be tolerant of opposing views: This is so much needed in today’s world. We are at a point in our public square where no one is willing to listen to anyone else. All of us have decided that our opinion is the right opinion and anyone who does not agree with us is an idiot. The media is mostly to blame along with social media algorithms that keep us in our own biased bubble.
The choice to be giving: We have talked about this so often. Giving ignites our sense of greater good and is very contagious.
The choice to show gratitude: I don’t think I have to say a lot about this. We start every session with a gratitude attitude and hopefully, you have seen a difference in your lives.
The choice to be respectful to yourself and others: R E S P E C T. It’s such a simple word but people had to fight to get respect in history. If you look at African American history or the Apartheid or Indian Freedom Struggle, a lot of people died to get a spec of respect.
The choice to follow your passion: This is so important for young adults. It is good to follow one’s passion. Because that leads to true happiness.

One thing I want to point out is that no one sets out to make a bad choice. Often we tend to make choices that lead to short-term gain or instant gratification as opposed to what is good for us in the longer term. The human brain is wired this way because in the caveman days, what was important was you get to eat or you die. We have come a long way from that day and most people don’t have to worry about day-to-day necessities. So we have to be mindful about choices we make that are good for us in the long run as opposed to what feels good at this moment. Developing mindfulness is very helpful. The easiest way to develop mindfulness is by creating a daily meditation practice.

You Are What You Eat

I am sure you have heard the phrase “You Are What You Eat.” I recently came back from a vacation. Although mindful of my diet, eating out every day on a vacation caused me to gain a few pounds of weight! You see, when we eat out, other than salads, mostly what we are eating is processed food. Even when I was making healthier choices, that process food caused me to gain some weight. So I thought today we can talk about what it means to eat healthily and what kind of effect does food has on our body as well as our mind.

Let’s first start with the low-hanging fruit and talk about the effects of food on our bodies. Most of us have sometimes during our lifetime, tried some variation of a diet. We wanted to lose just a little bit of weight. If you had the discipline, you succeeded in losing a few pounds. The problem is if you are like most people, the moment you stop your diet, you gained back most if not all of your weight. Nowadays, there are so many diet options it’s insane! I even saw the so-called psychological-based diet. Not sure how that works but point is that there are just about a million options out there.

I have gone through different diet phases in my life. What really worked for me were two things. One is self-control. If I was particular about not putting any junk in my mouth, it would work. The moment, I gave to temptation, all bets were off. The second thing which I thought was really useful was the lack of processed food in our diet. After my heart attack, I stopped most if not all processed food. And that my friend was a real kicker. My weight just was balanced. My appetite actually increased but the weight gain stopped. So if you are trying to lose a couple of pounds, try that next time you decide to go on a diet. There are other benefits of not eating processed food as well. According to a National Institute of Health study (https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/nih-study-finds-heavily-processed-foods-cause-overeating-weight-gain), processed food is not good for us. In their study, people who ate processed food on average gained 2 pounds in a month. Those who did not eat processed food actually lost 2 pounds. In this study, The ultra-processed and unprocessed meals had the same amounts of calories, sugars, fiber, fat, and carbohydrates, and participants could eat as much or as little as they wanted. Even a bagel and cream cheese are considered processed food so it is important to know what we put in our bodies. Processed foods are full of chemicals. They also tend to be addictive. These products make up 60% of the daily calories in the American diet. They are also full of added sugar.

When we stop eating processed foods, our health improves. There is actually a laundry list of benefits including better sleep, weight loss, better mood, better immune response, and so forth. In the yogic system, there is a whole world about satvik and non satvik foods but we will keep that discussion for another day.

Can food affect your psychology? My dad always says that who cooks your food has an impact on you psychologically. I never believed that or agreed with that for the longest time. Then, I started to notice a trend. Sometimes when I ate out – not always, I would get these violent dreams. I am a lucid dreamer so I generally remember parts of my dreams. After tracking this for a year or so, I am convinced that who cooks your food has an impact on you. When we eat out, a lot of times the line cooks are people who have recently been released from prisons as part of rehabilitation programs, and maybe that is what drove those dreams! Again, I have no scientific evidence to back this up so please take it with a grain of salt.

Mindfulness actually comes very handy when we are trying to eat healthily. Mindful eating allows us to only eat when we are hungry as opposed to eating for the sake of eating. It also allows us to eat what is right for us instead of what is in front of us. And there lies the kicker. When we eat impulsively, we have no idea what we are eating and in what quantity. Mindful eating takes charge of our impulsiveness and helps us stay the course. Research shows that meditation helps stop overeating. It decreases binge eating and so-called emotional eating. Emotional eating is the use of food as a way to deal with feelings and emotions. We all know that meditation reduces stress and a lot of people overeat because of stress.

How can meditation help with all this you might ask? It is quite interesting actually. According to a National Institute of Health study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5324577/), high cortisol levels in our body tend to cause weight gain. Another NIH study (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28863392/) found that meditation and mindfulness help reduce cortisol levels in our bodies. Go figure!