meditation – Page 9 – Meditative Man

Positive Outlook

Have you noticed that a lot of times when life gives us lemons, we tend to complain about the sourness of those lemons? A very few people are able to make lemonades out of those lemons that life throws at them. So what does this even mean? Let’s dive in.

This reminds me of the baseball metaphor. If you are at bat and ready to hit the ball. You are expecting a fastball and are all ready to knock it out of the park. All of a sudden the pitcher throws a curveball at you. The ball actually slows down as it is coming to you. You are stumped and suddenly you get a strike. Now if you are a veteran player and do know what to do in a situation like this, you will adjust on the fly and take a single instead of that home run you were looking for. That is what it means to make lemonade out of the lemons life throws at you.

Before we can make those lemonades though, we first need to not lose it! Meaning, we need to stay positive when adversity comes at us at 100 miles an hour. The most important this in these situations is to keep things in perspective. We tend to blow things out of proportion when things go wrong. We assume the absolute worst and often our reaction is more like an overreaction. Instead, if we learn to keep things in perspective as to the extent of negative news that may be coming at us, we will be able to look at that objectively and find the right solution. We touched on this in a roundabout way in our discussions on equanimity if you recall in episode 13—I know sounds like a lifetime ago! If you get a chance, go revisit that episode.

The next thing to do is to have open communication. Understand what needs to be done and ask questions. This actually happened to me recently. We sold a building and the tenant sent us the rent after we sold the building by mistake. The buyer asked me to write him a check for the rent. I asked him if he can get the tenant to email me that they authorize me to send him a check I would be happy to otherwise, I needed to return the rent to the tenant. The buyer flipped out. He was all worked up because he did not expect that answer. I called him and said all it takes is an email from you to the tenant and why he was so hesitant about it. After talking it over with me, he realized that it was a reasonable thing to do and the matter was resolved in an hour. So it is important to understand what it is that someone is asking before getting all flipped out about it. So communication is key because oftentimes when we think is a lemon may not be a lemon at all!

Another thing that helps is always to be grateful. We always start our sessions with a gratitude attitude. A gratitude mindset helps you keep a positive outlook in the face of adversity. Yet another thing that helps is to be mindful. Slow your breathing down. As we all know, our thoughts are racing at a million miles mile per hour. When you slow your breathing down, they slow down to a manageable level.

One thing I have learned is that when people perceive something as a threat, they tend to overreact. So when life throws lemons at you, try to take them as a challenge and not as a threat. This is the key. We all know how to accept challenges and rise to them. Threats on the other hand evoke fight, flight, or freeze responses within us and that tends to be destructive.

And the last point I would like to make is that accept what you can and cannot do. What does that mean? As we have talked about this before, focus on what you can control. There are things and outcomes that are out of control. If you worry about things that you have no control over, it will become very difficult to get out of the negative spiral.

Hope all of this makes sense. Next time you come across a curveball in the shape of adversity, try to put some of these tips into practice. Hopefully, you will be able to make lemonade out of those lemons after all!

Inherent Existance

We have talked about at length in the past about inherent existence part of so-called wisdom teachings. It’s been a long time since we talked about those so in the next few episodes, I would like to revisit this topic with different examples. First of all, what really is inherent existence? If you think about most of us take the existence of all phenomena as inherent. What does that mean? Well, let’s talk about any object. A car, or a house, or clothes, or a computer, and so on. We think it exists and does not think twice about it. As a matter of fact, we think exists inherently and cling to it. This grasping or clinging is what brings the most suffering in our lives.

I know this sounds crazy. So let’s break it down. Any existence is either inherent or it is not. What is inherent existence? A phenomenon that exits from its own side is considered an inherent existence. In reality, there is no such thing. No phenomena exist from its own side. For anything to exist from its own side, either it is the same as its part or a collection of its part. There is no other possibility. Let’s take an example. This is a book. Many of you have this book. You look at this book and you say of course it exists. Now, if we just take one page from this book, would you say this is a book? For example, if you order this book from Amazon and if they only send you one page, would you say you received the book? Of course not. How about the cover page of this book? If someone only gave you a cover page, would you say it’s a book? No, you would not. So we all agree that the parts of the book are not the book. How about a collection of the parts. If I give you all the loose pages would you say it’s a book? No way you say. So there is no inherently existing book. Well, then what is this thing we called a book. It is nothing but imputation. It is a book because we called it a book. It has no inherent existence. Another way to look at this is that it is a dependent existence. I recently learned that if the person loses their eyesight say around 3 years of age. If they recover their eyesight say around the age of 40, they would not be able to see what we see. For them is just a blurb. Because that part of the brain that associates images is not developed at that age, they are never able to see the things we see. Now, if the same thing happened to them at the age of 8 when the image association is fully developed, they will be able to see what we see when they recover their eyesight. So you see, it is a dependent existence. The same things that are in our experience are not in the experience of people who have not developed image association or people who are blind.

Let’s look at this pen. Can you point to the pen? Where is the pen? Is it on your screen? Is it in my hand? You see this pen because your eye senses look at a picture of the pen, your brain interprets that as a pen. In other words, the pen is in your mind. Without your brain interpreting this object like a pen, the pen does not exist for you. In other words, it is a dependent existence.

So there are people who believe everything exists inherently meaning from their own side. As we just discussed that is just not the case. There are people who believe nothing exists at all. That is surely not the case since we are experiencing these phenomena. There is a middle way. That says that all phenomena are imputed or dependent on existence. Nothing exists inherently and all existence is imputed.

Let’s look at another example, we all have a car parked in the garage. Let’s find if the car exists inherently. For a car to exist inherently, it can either be found in its parts or it is a collection of its part. So let’s begin with its tires. If someone gave us four tires, we will certainly not call it a car. How about if someone gave us a bunch of bucket seats? Well, that is not a car. How about a door, or an engine, or brake pads? None of these parts is a car. If you take all the parts of the car put them on the ground, we won’t call it a car. So there is no inherently existing car. It is a car because we all decided to call it a car. In other words, it is an imputed existence.

Again, this is a deep subject. I would like to pick this up next week on the same topic. So we can investigate a little more to make sure that we are all on the same page as to inherent existence.

Dealing w Chaos

We all have been through times when nothing seems to go our way. Everything is going in a different direction and it all feels chaotic if you will. Well, the chaos theory states that within the apparent randomness of chaotic complex systems, there are underlying patterns and interconnectedness. So that chaotic situation we find ourselves in actually may have a deeper reason behind it. I know, at the time it sure doesn’t feel like it.

Why do I bring this up? Because often when we find ourselves in a difficult situation we are not able to see the forest for the trees. We are so bogged down in our problem and granted it could be a serious problem—I am not trying to minimize the situation at all. But unless it is a life-and-death situation, it often blows over in time. Some problems take more time to resolve than others.

Here is an exercise I would like you to do within the next few days. Go back to your calendar or emails for 2021. Come up with a list of eventful reflections for each month of the year. For example, when I created my 2021 reflection, everything fit into one page. For each month there was maybe one or two things that were memorable—three at the most. When I was putting that list together, I realized going through the records that there were times I was upset about something and it felt like a really big deal at the time but it did not even make it to my list. So obviously it was not that important in the scheme of things. Once you complete this exercise you will find what is important for you—what you put the most value on. Now, as you come across difficult situations in the new year, try to remember that not everything is going to make your list for the year. So before you get all worked up about something, ask yourself, would it make your own reflection list? If the answer is no, you can just relax.

Have you noticed after all the chaos, things almost always work out? Maybe not exactly the way you wanted but not so bad that you could not carry on. If you were paying attention, you could actually learn a lot from the experience. I have developed a habit of telling myself that things always work out for the best. I may not see it that way at the time, but they do. Now, this does not mean that if you find yourself in a difficult situation you try to do the best you can. Of course, you do. Well, actually there is a value in surrendering yourself but that is a topic for another day.

Another thing is that when you are going through chaos, you begin to appreciate little things in life. You are grateful for what you have. And as we have discussed repeatedly, a gratitude attitude is essential for a happy and fulfilling life. As we all know, the human body and mind are very resilient. There were people in the Nazi concentration camps who found hope in the middle of quite possibly the gloomiest place in human history. If they found hope, our problems are nothing compared to that.

Why does chaos so chaotic? It is quite simple. It feels chaotic because we are not able to see the answer right away. You see, if the answer was right in front of us, it would not feel chaotic at all. So how do we handle this? It takes time for us to see the bigger picture in these scenarios. Once we are able to take some time and reflect on it, we will hopefully see the grand plan. And if you are stumped, ask someone else whose opinion you value. Sometimes all you need is a second set of eyes to get things into perspective. I have often found that it is a matter of change of perspective and it is no longer chaotic.

I hope this resonates with some of you. As you begin the new year, I am sure there will be times that feel chaotic. Please remember this too shall pass.

Quiet Time

Have you ever had a feeling that you are just on the go all the time? There is always something to do or someone to entertain! I know a number of people who enjoy this fast pace life. But it is good to give yourself a timeout every now and then and recharge yourself. So today, let’s discuss enjoying quiet time on your own.

First, let’s look at why quiet time is important in our lives. A quiet time allows us to self-reflect. It actually may lead to daydreaming. When we are in a quiet zone, our mind tends to focus on what matters most in our lives. I do want to caution you though. If you are not used to quiet time, at first, it would seem like the mind wants to go everywhere but eventually, it will settle down. As we get accustomed to quiet time, we will become mindful and see the advantages of being in the present moment.

Staying quiet also has physical benefits it seems. A 2006 NIH study (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1860846/) shows that staying quiet for 2 minutes significantly reduces heart rate and blood pressure. The opposite is also true and a noisy environment increases blood pressure and heart rate.

Some people have difficulty staying silent. Fear of missing out has a lot to do with this. A lot of people in our society need external stimuli such as social media and personal devices to keep themselves busy. If you think about it, they are trying to avoid their inner thoughts and feelings. Have you noticed that young adults tend to get bored easily? They just don’t know how to be with themselves. I often say that if you enjoy your company, you will never be bored! Another advantage of being quiet is that it allows us to make sense of it all. All the chaos that may be happening around us all of a sudden makes sense. We can see the bigger picture if you will. Here is interesting research I found. Boredom leads to creativity. According to John Eastwood of the Boredom Lab at York University in Canada (I am as surprised as you are that there is such a thing as Boredom Lab!), two key things are happening in the mind when we are bored. The first thing is they have a desire to do something. The other is that there is access to mental capacity that is available. A combination of these things leads to creative ideas.

So how do we stay quiet you might ask. There are a number of ways to practice staying still. Here are just a few of them. The easiest thing you can do is stay in the bed a little longer. Pick a weekend day and just don’t get out of bed for a few hours! Another approach is to seat after your meal at your dining table. My wife excels at this! She would just seat quietly for an hour after her meal. That is her own time. Another approach is to try to challenge yourself to stay silent for a certain amount of time. We used to play this game when kids were growing up. Whoever can stay silent the most wins the game. This is such a relief as a parent I tell you. Kids get to play the game and you enjoy a little peace and quiet! Yet another way is to go for a swim or a hike without your phone. That is going to be some quality quiet time.

A Harvard Business Review article from 2017 notes that quite time “increases your chances of encountering novel ideas and information and discerning weak signals.” When we’re constantly fixated on the verbal agenda—what to say next, what to write next, what to tweet next—it’s tough to make room for truly different perspectives or radically new ideas. It’s hard to drop into deeper modes of listening and attention. And it’s in those deeper modes of attention that truly novel ideas are found.

So here is an interesting idea. Some people think the craving for silent time is somehow cheating the system or not taking care of your responsibility. That cannot be further from the truth. We all need that alone time. That is the time where we can take care of our mental needs. Our mind needs that rest.

I hope this gives you something to think about and make quiet time part of your daily routine. If you have young children, I strongly encourage you to teach of how to be quiet. It is difficult but well worth the effort for their own future well-being.

Don’t Compare

Often we find ourselves comparing ourselves with other people. Deep down all of us know that it is not worth it but we end up doing it anyway. As Teddy Roosevelt said, Comparison is the thief of joy. So today, I thought we would explore why we compare with others and how to stop doing that.

Let’s first look at why we compare ourselves with others. Human beings are comparing themselves since the beginning of time. That is how we create a baseline if you will. One thing however you will notice is that we tend to compare ourselves with people who we think are in the same social circle as we are. This is quite interesting. I have never met anyone who compares themselves with Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos. It is always their friends and their neighbors!

Our brain is hard-wired in a certain way and that is what triggers comparison. It happens within a fraction of a second. To research this material, I ended up speaking with a psychologist friend of mine. He had something interesting thing to say. He believed comparison comes from an inherent sense of inadequacy. Deep down you feel that you are not enough. This sense of inadequacy is usually rooted in our upbringing or some incident that has lived with us for a long time. So if you want to figure out what is going on, next time your comparison anxiety triggers, watch your thoughts and see what is coming up. Often, these thoughts have no basis in truth it is just something we made up but it has been so long that it becomes your truth.

Comparison is not healthy. It can make on anxious and otherwise put you in a negative loop. Once you get into a habit of anxious living, it also begins to affect your relationships. It affects your closest relationships with your loved ones but also your relationship with people you compare yourselves with. You will eventually begin to resent people with who you compare yourselves.

Now that we know where the comparison comes from and what kind of negative effect it can have on our well-being, let’s look at how best to stop comparing yourselves with others. This is the voice within your head if you will. Contrary to what you may have heard, according to my friend, it is good to listen to the voices or thoughts in your head. Once you learn to listen to them, you will know your inner critic. This is the voice that is making you miserable.

The next thing is to realize is that when you are comparing yourself with someone else, you are comparing to their best version if you will. You don’t know what goes on in their life. You know what they have projected outwardly. Sometimes you only know what you see on their social media feed. Trust me, never believe what you see on social media.

If you have to compare, compare yourself to your past self. See where you were and how far you have come. This allows us to realize abundance in our life. It also allows you to realize your own strengths. This will hopefully, make you take actions that speak to your strength as opposed to someone else’s strengths.

Another way to stop yourself from comparing yourself to others is something we have talked about a lot here. We start every session with a gratitude attitude. If you are grateful for what you have and truly practice that, you will not feel the need to compare. Gratitude allows us to be joyful and joyful people tend not to compare themselves with other people.

One other way that helps in this situation is contentment. Again, we have talked about this a lot. If you are content with what you have then there is no reason for comparison. Also, remind yourself that money doesn’t buy happiness it never did and never will.

And the last thing I would say is to stop doing should have, would have, could have. The past is the past. If you feel that you lost opportunities in the past, stop dwelling over those and look for the opportunities that may be in front of you. That is the best way I know how to stop comparing myself with other people.