love – Page 2 – Meditative Man

Developing Compassion – Affectionate Love

We have talked about how it is best to try and develop compassion towards all living beings. It is easy to develop compassion towards people in our immediate circle (our family, our friends, etc.). But it is much harder to develop compassion towards someone we do not know. Ans harder still for someone in a faraway place. It’s like this when we hear about a natural disaster half a world away, we feel bad for sure but not enough to do something about it and help them. It happens in our region, we actually want to do something about it—maybe we send some money or consumables, etc. If that happens in our neighborhood, we roll up our sleeves and help as many people as we can. So how do we develop the same high level of compassion for all living beings?

Well, before we develop compassion toward everyone, we first need to have a love for them. If we have a love for someone in our hearts, developing compassion towards them becomes easy. So how do we develop love towards other random people and even people who do not care for us? Well, let’s start with types of love. There are three types of love. Affectionate love, cherishing love, and wishing love.

Here is from the book Universal Compassion: We can understand these by considering the following example. If a mother is reunited with one of her children after a long separation, she is very happy and feels great affection for her. This special feeling of affection is affectionate love. Out of affection, the mother considers her child to be very precious and wants to take special care of her. This special feeling of caring is cherishing love. Because she has affectionate love and cherishing love for her child, if she sees that she is unhappy she immediately wishes to restore her happiness. This wish for others to be happy and to help them to achieve happiness is wishing love.

So let’s break this down. In simplest terms, affectionate love is to like someone. If we are in a family and we have affection towards each other, life would be much smoother. Similarly, if we have affection towards our community, we will try to make sure that everyone in our community is free from suffering. This affectionate love brings harmony and peace to the community. The easiest way to develop affectionate love is to think about how no one wants to suffer. We know that we don’t want to have any suffering in life. Similarly, no one wishes to suffer for themselves. Once we understand that all beings want to be free from suffering, we will develop affectionate love toward them. A warm feeling in our hearts towards them. It is difficult to practice this by trying to show affectionate love towards everyone at once. So one should start by showing affectionate love towards a select few that would be easier – members of your family or close friends. Then expand the circle once you are comfortable.

Now, we need to be careful because a lot of times what people call love is more like attachment. For these people more the “love” increases, the more desirous attachment they develop. If the object of their “love” even talks to someone else, they get jealous or angry. This is not love. This is the attachment. Real love does not make one angry. So what is affectionate love? In the book How To Transform Your Life, Geshe Kelsang Gyatso outlines: when from the depths of our heart, without attachment, we feel very close, warm, and happy towards someone, this is affectionate love. It makes our mind peaceful and balanced, free from anger and attachment. Thus it is called “equanimity”.

Developing equanimity is like plowing a field—clearing our minds of the rocks and weeds of anger and attachment. That will make it possible for true love to grow. So how do learn to develop affectionate love? One way to develop this is to make an effort to be happy to see everyone. Whenever we see someone, we should be happy to meet them and try to generate a warm feeling towards them. If we are starting a meeting just before we get into the meeting room, we imagine all the people who are going to be in the meeting and try and generate a smile on our faces.

There are many benefits of meditating on affectionate love. Nagarjuna a great Indian scholar said that the biggest benefit of meditating on affectionate love for just one moment is that we accumulate greater merit than giving food three times to all the hungry people in this world! How wonderful!

Patience

We started discussing the six perfections in detail last week with the perfection of moral discipline. I thought we would talk about one of the other perfections—patience today. Now if you talk to anyone who knows me, they would tell you, I am the least qualified person to talk about patience! So today is the “let’s do what the teacher says and not what he does” kind of lesson!

In “The Boddhisattva Vow” Geshe Kelsang Gyatso defines patience as a virtuous mind that is able to bear harm, suffering, or profound Dharma. Patience is useful whether we are interested in spiritual growth or not. You see, without patience, we are prone to anxiety, frustration, and disquiet. If we lack patience, it is difficult for us to maintain a relationship with others.

Patience is the opposite of anger. We have all seen what anger can do. At a minimum, it prevents us from judging the situation accurately and causes us to act irrationally. Worst of all, it destroys our peace of mind. Anger normally is triggered by something very insignificant, such as a comment we find offensive or a habit we find annoying, and so forth. It leads us to do and say things that create harm to us and others. If we look at all the wars in this world, there is no doubt that they were caused by angry minds. External enemies harm us in slow and subtle ways. Anger, on the other hand, harms us from within.

Patience helps us in this life and all our future lives. The famous Indian sage Shantideva once said, “there is no evil greater than anger, there is no virtue greater than patience”. With patience, we can accept any pain that is inflicted upon us. With patience, nothing destroys our peace of mind and we do not experience any suffering. There are three types of patience:

The patience of not retaliating
The patience of voluntarily enduring suffering
The patience of definitely thinking about Dharma or spirituality

To practice the patience of not retaliating, we need to be mindful of how anger can destroy our peace of mind and be alert when situations arise when we might get angry. We need to think that if someone hits us with a stick it is not the fault of the stick. Similarly, when someone tries to harm us, it is their delusion to be blamed and not themselves. I know, tough to reconcile, right? Another way to think about this is to realize that when someone harms us, it is our Karma that created the situation. We must have harmed them in the past and by patiently accepting the situation, we are able to pay off that karmic debt.

The second kind of patience is the patience of volunteering enduring suffering. If we don’t have this patience, we will give up our tasks as soon as they become difficult. We will become more and more frustrated and we will end up accepting mediocracy. We often come across unpleasant conditions and misfortune. By voluntarily accepting these adversities, we eliminate sufferings from our lives. That does not mean the pain goes away, but it need not cause suffering within us. Instead of self-pity, we strengthen our resolve. We recall that these unpleasant conditions or misfortunes are the results of our previous negative karma and resolve to avoid negative karma moving forward. If we are able to endure adversities, we will be able to reap great rewards. Our present sufferings will diminish. Also, suffering helps us dispel pride, develop compassion and abandon negative karma.

The third type of patience is the patience of definitely thinking about Dharma or spirituality. If we listen to, contemplate, and meditate on spirituality and Dharma, we are practicing patience of definitely thinking of patience. So every Tuesday, when we meet for meditation, we are practicing patience of definitely thinking about Dharma. This is important because it creates a happy and patient mind.

So hopefully, we can all try a little harder to develop the type of patience that we need to work on. We may find a particular type of patience more difficult to practice than others depending upon karmic tendencies. But important thing is to make progress and not get discouraged.

Being Compassionate While Disagreeing

I was at a party over the weekend and a group of us started talking politics. Uh oh!! Obviously, there were differing opinions on the table. Now, all of us are friends for the better part of 20 years or 30 years in some cases. So we all just leave our discussions on the table when we get up and everything is just fine. But that is not the case all the time when we talk about difficult topics. So that leads me to think about how we can be compassionate towards those with who we disagree. Let’s jump in.

Have you noticed that when you are having a discussion with someone who you love and know or you are friends with, even when you disagree, you tend not to be judgmental? You agree to disagree but your relationships stay intact. It is when we are talking to people who we don’t identify with, or of different communities, or otherwise cannot relate to you tend to be judgmental. You would come to conclusion and will not react with compassion towards this person. This is the root of the problem in our public discourse today.

This happens for a number of reasons. Two prominent reasons among them are our pre-existing judgment and biases towards a group of people and lack of belief that they are coming from a genuine deeply held point of view. Once we realize this, the rest becomes easier. So how do we overcome these pre-existing judgments and certain beliefs or lack thereof?

The first thing to do is get to know the people who are you are having a discussion with if possible. Have an offline conversation that is universal such as sports or weather or community at large.

The next thing is to do is think about someone who you know has similar beliefs. If you imagine that you are having a discussion with the person you already know, you are less likely to judge or be biased towards this person. Try this next time you find yourself arguing with your television or social media platform!

It is also important to pay attention to what the other person is saying. When you respond, if you acknowledge what they are trying to say (does not mean you are agreeing with their point just that you understand what they are trying to say), then it will soften some of the tension during the conversation. Another important point is to make sure that you hear them out so that they have an outlet for their argument before responding to them. This gives them a safe space and reduces any heated exchanges.

Ultimately though, you want to figure out your own biases and work through them. One thing that may help is to figure out the last time you changed your opinion about something. That is an admission that your views are not always correct and there is room for a different plausible argument. This always humbles us.

In his book Severn Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey highlights that it is our ability to “seek first to understand, then be understood” that makes us effective. At some level, we already know this. So why do we still not show that compassion when we are disagreeing with someone? This most likely is coming out of our strong sense of self. Our attachment to our “I” that we have talked about before. We probably think that if we show compassion, we are endorsing their point of view or we are compromising our own beliefs. All that means is that we are more worried about our ego and need to be right. Here is an example. Personally, I believe that every life is precious and would not make a decision for abortion if it was my decision. But, I also understand this is a life-changing decision and it is ultimately a woman’s right to choose. A lot of people I know thought this was a conflicting position. I do not see any conflict in this position. I am very clear as to what I would do if I were in a particular situation but that does not give me the right to affect someone else’s life.

About 18 years ago, I had a very interesting discussion with a religious leader about this topic. They happened to be at my home on an election day of all time! He was visibly upset when I said what I believed. He thought it was an absolute black and white issue and all life is precious—which I agreed with him wholeheartedly—and that there was no room for other beliefs. This is where compassion needs to enter the dialog. An otherwise highly compassionate person can lose their patience when an argument shakes their belief system.

Your Life, Your Choices

Have you ever thought about why you are where you are in life? Two people who grow up in similar environments end up being completely different places in life. Why does that happen? The simplest answer is the choices we make in life. Today, let’s look at how the smallest choice we make can have an impact on our life in the long run.

I was talking to a group of young adults recently and we were discussing life in general. All of a sudden one of them said something interesting. He said when we were in high school, our focus was to get good grades by hook or by crook and not really on the love of learning. Mind you, this kid goes to Stanford and is probably one of the brightest young men I have known. He went on to tell me that the habits they developed in high school are making it difficult at his college. He said he wished he made a better choice back in high school. I thought that was very profound for a young adult to realize. You see most people go through the motion of life without realizing that where they are in life is largely due to choices they have made for better or for worse. They don’t realize that life just doesn’t happen.

I recently came across a book called “Living By Choice” by Michael Nelson. He is a pastor from Memphis, TN and it is an interesting read. Some of the choices he advocates for better living include:

The choice to embellish others and not yourself: think about it, most of the time we are too busy talking about ourselves and our achievements rather than giving credit to others who have done a phenomenal job.
The choice to be the leader of your life: I have always believed that one has to be a leader in one’s family as opposed to being a manager. You see, most people are managing their lives and their family. When you don’t lead, someone else will. That is how outside influences such as social media become dominant. There is no leadership in life.
The choice to be patient: It really doesn’t help when we get all worked up and impatient. Instead, when we come across a challenging situation, it is helpful to take a deep breath and assess the situation and be patient.
The choice to be loving: This is perhaps the most important emotion in life. When you have love in your heart, the fear and angst disappear. Next time you find yourself stressed, try love as an antidote. It seriously works.
The choice to be tolerant of opposing views: This is so much needed in today’s world. We are at a point in our public square where no one is willing to listen to anyone else. All of us have decided that our opinion is the right opinion and anyone who does not agree with us is an idiot. The media is mostly to blame along with social media algorithms that keep us in our own biased bubble.
The choice to be giving: We have talked about this so often. Giving ignites our sense of greater good and is very contagious.
The choice to show gratitude: I don’t think I have to say a lot about this. We start every session with a gratitude attitude and hopefully, you have seen a difference in your lives.
The choice to be respectful to yourself and others: R E S P E C T. It’s such a simple word but people had to fight to get respect in history. If you look at African American history or the Apartheid or Indian Freedom Struggle, a lot of people died to get a spec of respect.
The choice to follow your passion: This is so important for young adults. It is good to follow one’s passion. Because that leads to true happiness.

One thing I want to point out is that no one sets out to make a bad choice. Often we tend to make choices that lead to short-term gain or instant gratification as opposed to what is good for us in the longer term. The human brain is wired this way because in the caveman days, what was important was you get to eat or you die. We have come a long way from that day and most people don’t have to worry about day-to-day necessities. So we have to be mindful about choices we make that are good for us in the long run as opposed to what feels good at this moment. Developing mindfulness is very helpful. The easiest way to develop mindfulness is by creating a daily meditation practice.

Why Me?

Have you noticed some people always ask Why Me? I was reading an article about some royalty somewhere—we shall not name names—and noticed that they were complaining about how they were getting attention in the media while appearing for a media interview! Now, these people have everything one could ask for. They were born with a silver spoon in their mouth—literally! I bet a majority of the people in this world would happily swap places with them. Even then, they thought they had this miserable life and anything that went wrong was a direct result of someone else’s action. So today, I want to talk about this victim mindset and how that is detrimental to our health and our progress.

People who have a victim mindset always have this scarcity mindset. They always feel that they have to compete for everything and with everyone. Some people wake up in the morning and are looking for things and others are to blame. That is no way to live a life. Let me tell you an interesting story. About 20 years ago, a good friend of ours was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Once we found out, I would call and talk to him every week just to have a conversation and cheer him up if you will. He was in an amazing state of mind. During one of those conversations, I casually asked if he thought if this had anything to do with the type of place he was working at. What he said was so profound, it stayed with him to date. He said, why not me? Why am I so special that a disease will skip me? He went on to say that he never complained and asked “why me” when things were going great. I had a newfound respect for my friend. You see he accepted life as it came. There was no complaining or looking for blame or anything like that. Not trying to figure out why let alone why me.

People with a victim mindset on the other hand try to blame other people for their own problems. They also tend to feel sorry for themselves. They have a negative attitude about almost every situation they come across. Because of this negativity, they some to attract people with a similar mindset so which creates its own downward spiral. In general, they don’t take responsibility for their actions. People with a victim mindset develop a setup of negative behaviors that are difficult to turn around. For example, they believe their life is somehow harder than everyone else’s and they always are looking for pity. They are pessimistic in nature and are risk-averse. They have this sense of entitlement.

Sometimes politicians are promoting a victim mindset because that is a lot easier than actually solving their problems. It’s always easy to throw money at a problem than to actually solve the problem. If one persists with a victim mindset, they may end up with permanent guilt or even depression. They may become resentful of other people and develop a tendency to thrive on drama.

Good thing there is hope. The best way to help people with a victim mindset is to show the power of generosity. If they begin to practice generosity, their ego will diminish and will allow them to see the bigger picture. Another antidote is gratitude. A gratitude mindset created an abundance mindset which is exactly the opposite of a victim mindset. If they begin to develop a gratitude mindset, eventually they will see the abundance and positivity in their lives. It is not easy to change someone who has developed a victim mindset but with a few months of gratitude practice along with generosity, you will begin to real results.