Tag: happiness

Mental Stabilization

We have been discussing the six perfections for the past four weeks. Someone sent an email asking me what the purpose of six perfections was. The function of these six perfections is to make our lives smoother and with less friction. Today we will continue with this series and look at mental stabilization also known as concentration. What is concentration? Concentration is a mind whose nature is to single-pointedly focus on a virtuous object and whose function is to prevent distractions.

To understand this, it is important to look at what it is not. Concentration is not an act of will to force ourselves to focus on something or another. It is not like we say let’s focus on this pen. It is actually to eliminate that which does not belong. Here is a perfect example. I am sure you all have tried concentrated orange juice. It is simply the removal of water from the juice. Meaning removing water from the juice.

So there are several components of concentration. The first one is the stability of mental capacity. We have talked about this before the human mind is incapable of multitasking. What we call multitasking is rapidly switching from one task to another but it is not multitasking. Just like when we see a fan moving, the blades can seem like one because they are moving so fast. Similarly, multitasking is an illusion. Anything other than what you should be doing is a distraction such as texting and driving.

Part of concentration is not about narrowing our focus. Because when we narrow our focus we lose the context. So an aspect of concentration is actually to zoom out. When you talk about someone who is not with you and someone mentions a bad quality of the person who is not with them, the mind zooms in as to why that person is no good, and all of a sudden, that person becomes the worst person in the world in our mind. When we like or dislike something, we tend to justify it. When we try a new thing, a lot of times, we judge before we even try it. So it is not the object that is good or bad but our feeling towards it makes it good or bad. Once our feeling is set, we will follow the feeling as opposed to keeping the context.

A perfect example is when one falls in love. The person can do no wrong. They are not looking at context but just their feeling. Sometimes goes by and now they have a few arguments. All of a sudden the feeling towards the person changes and they can do no right! Everything they do annoys the person. Again, no context at all. No person is all good or bad. But it is the lack of context that makes things difficult.

Another element is to keep an eye on important vs urgent. We respond to emails all day long without regard to whether it is important or not. Urgent tends to distract your concentration from important. We have discussed this before as well and often we get hung up on urgent matters of the moment rather than keeping our focus on the larger goal.

Another aspect of concentration is stability for personal benefit.

Relaxation is very important for our personal benefit. Tension is distracting. When there is tension in any part of your body, it requires your attention. For example, if there is pain, our mind keeps going to that part of the body as opposed to being here and now. It is important to relax. Relaxation includes relaxation of the body and relaxation of the mind. When we are tense, we would trigger a flight, fight or freeze response within ourselves. We need to make decisions consciously rather than make reactive decisions. A reactive decision tends to be a mistake. Always perform a check to see if you are relaxed. We as a society don’t value relaxation but that is very important for our long-term health.

Interest is another quality that is needed for concentration. When we look at something, we don’t value differences between experiences. Sometimes we think we have already done something or experienced something, but there are always subtle differences. If we think it is the same, we are not paying attention and if we are not paying attention, we are not concentrating. So if we cultivate interest, it will increase our concentration. Because interest prevents us from being distracted. We need to develop a beginner’s mind towards everything that we are doing right now. Because a beginner’s mind is always interested. That means you are mentally present as opposed to in the past or the future.

Confidence is another quality for the development of concentration. Confidence in the certainty of one’s path. If not, you will not be putting in your full effort and lose concentration. Once you chose to take a path, remove all self-doubt. Every action is beneficial; you either accomplish what you wanted to or learn from the experience.  Don’t let outsiders influence your decision and break your confidence.

As you can see, concentration is one of the important perfections and if we understand and apply it correctly, it is of great benefit.

Giving

Today is Colorado Gives Day. So what better time to discuss Giving than today? As you know, we have been discussing six perfections for the past couple of weeks. After Gratitude, this is my favorite topic. Let’s talk about another perfection—Giving in today’s session.

Giving is a virtuous mental intention to give. It can also be helping with bodily or speech actions with the mental intention to give. There are three types of giving: 1) giving material things; 2) giving Dharma or spirituality; 3) giving fearlessness.

If we have difficulty giving material things, it helps to think about the disadvantages of miserliness. Miserliness is a tight, uncomfortable mind, that leads to isolation. Giving on the other hand is a joyful mind that leads to abundant resources in the future. There is no point in clinging to our possessions because wealth acquires meaning only when it is given away or used for the benefit of others.

There are many benefits of generosity. When we give away material things, it reduces our attachment to the material world. According to a Canadian research study, generosity can reduce blood pressure, reduce depression, reduces stress, decreases anxiety, and more. Generosity also improves our relationship with the people around us. When we give, we are creating positive momentum and hope it catches on and other people carry on with that torch.

I saw an interesting research piece from the John Templeton Foundation on generosity. They found that people who give on their own accord, tend to be happier. Happy people tend to be more generous so it creates its own ecosystem. They also found that donating money releases the same neural pathways in our brains that are activated by other pleasure activities such as food, sex, etc. People tend to be more generous when they see other people giving. As Americans, we are the most generous nation on earth. We donate more than $500 billion per year. That is a staggering amount.

Giving also needs to have the right motivation. For example, if we give something expecting something in return it is not really giving. It is just bartering. Giving also should be without pride. If we give with pride that washes away the benefits of giving. Buddha said that having pride in our giving is like eating a feast of a meal with poison sprinkled on it. It does you no good.

Giving for the sake of giving is what we need to learn to practice. When we begin to do that, we do it out of contentment, and as a result, happiness follows.

And we have touched on this before but giving does not mean giving material things only. One can give our time, our skillsets, our compassion and care, our attention, and so forth. Giving away one’s skills and abilities without any thought of return is giving out of compassion. That is what true generosity looks like.

Why is generosity important you might ponder? Generosity by definition diminishes one’s ego. If we cultivate generosity, we will slowly take a stab at reducing our ego.

One thing to keep in mind is that we should only give away all of our possessions when the time is right. If we give away everything that we have, we won’t be able to function and help people in need for a long time. So one way to practice giving is to mentally dedicate all of our possessions for the benefit of others and then physically give them away when it is most appropriate. This is similar to nonprofit organizations that keep funds in the reserve and do not spend every donation they get right away.

The amount of merit we receive by giving also depends upon the nature of the recipient. If we give to spiritual causes or to our parents or to people who are sick and poor, we accumulate more merit.

The next type of giving is giving Dharma. When we teach someone spirituality with the right motivation, we are accumulating merits of giving Dharma. This is much more beneficial than giving material things because material things help someone in this lifetime but spirituality helps them in this lifetime as well as in future lives. If we are not able to teach another way to accumulate merits of giving Dharma is dedicating our virtues to peace and happiness of all living beings.

The last type of giving is giving fearlessness. To give fearlessness is to protect other living beings from fear or danger. This can come in many forms. For example, if we rescue someone from a fire, or natural disaster, or protect them from physical violence, this is all types of giving fearlessness. Our first responders who do this on a daily basis are accumulating tremendous amounts of merit. If this is not possible for us to do, we can still accumulate merits of giving fearlessness by praying for those in danger.

I hope this inspires you to practice giving on a regular basis and not just one day a year!

Financial Uncertainties Got You Down?

I was talking to a group of people who are in the mortgage business over the weekend. This is one of the most stressful times for this group in the past 13 years. Most of them earn their money on the commission they make from loan origination. As you can imagine, loan originations have come to a screeching halt in the past four months. This uncertainty about the future is creating a lot of anxiety—which is natural. So I thought how about we discuss how we can embrace these uncertain times and see what kind of possibilities might open up? Let’s dig in.

Let’s face it. There is comfort in certainty. We as human beings love routines. It gives us this sense of security. You see our brains have a bias against change. Change means things can get worse—it could get better but there is a possibility that it could get worse. This means there is a possibility of a painful experience. No matter how small that possibility might be, from our caveman days, we have wired our brains to avoid pain at all costs. That means regardless of the potential for upside, our brain will try to avoid uncertainty.

When we start living by avoiding all uncertainty, we tend to isolate ourselves from the world. This creates its own set of problems. Sometimes, people start on a negative feedback loop and create mental health issues for themselves. I am sure you know someone in your life who is in a job they absolutely hate. They have told you that in that many words. They have been complaining about it for years. However, they feel that a change of job is uncertain and would not pull the trigger. For them, it is the choice between the devil you know versus the unknown. If instead, they develop the courage to embrace the uncertainty, they may find there indeed are greener pastures on the other side. In these times of uncertainty, it may be time to look for what else is out there. Although, it is tough for someone in the mortgage business to manage finances arguably this is the best job market to be looking for a job in multi-generations.

There are a number of things we need to adopt in order to embrace uncertainty. First thing is to realize that there is no such thing as a certainty. We talked about this before and the only constant in life is change. Similarly, the only thing certain in life is uncertainty. The sooner we accept this, the better we will be. Once we embrace the uncertainties in life, we will be able to see opportunities that present us. I was recently talking to a retail day trader. Quite possibly, he is the most successful retail day trader in history. He has had days better than Goldman Sachs on occasion! I asked him what he thought made him successful when 98% of the people who try end up failing. He said something interesting. He said he never goes into a day expecting something from the market. He said I am here for what the market has to offer. I don’t hope for the market to go one way or another. Now here is the guy who has truly embraced uncertainty.

You see when we stop hoping for things, we are embracing uncertainty. This leads us to become excited about possibilities. When you don’t know what is coming and have embraced it, all of a sudden you have a kid’s curious mind. You are now wondering what will happen instead of hoping for a particular outcome.

Embracing uncertainty also allows us to learn more about the fear within. It allows us to learn about who we really are. But embracing uncertainty and thriving in uncertainty is not a quick thing. It happens over time. It actually is a process where we learn how to avoid judging ourselves.

When we embrace uncertainty, we are accepting the fact that we don’t have all the answers. That is such a liberating feeling. It also helps us find better ways. Now that we accepted our ignorance, it allows us to ask questions and find answers. We tend to throw a wider net when we know we don’t have the answers. This broadens our horizons.

I strongly encourage all of you to embrace uncertainty. You will be amazed by the change for the better.

Is Money A Drug?

I was on a long flight recently. On the flight, I decided to watch a documentary about how sugar is addictive and how it is a drug stronger than hard drugs such as cocaine. They were showing how when they gave more sugar to rats in the experiments, the rats got used to the sugar and they needed more and more doses for their brains to show signs of excitement. That got me thinking—does money have the same effect on people?

I mean think about it. When one does not have money, one would get excited about $100. Look at your college days. I remember I used to get excited about a free T-Shirt for filling out credit card forms! As you accumulate more wealth, that excitement does not last anymore. One needs more money to get excited as one makes more money. I am sure at your first job, you were thrilled with a $ 2-an-hour wage increase. If someone offered you that at the peak of your career you will consider that an insult right? What changed? $2 per hour is still $2 per hour. The value of $2 for you changed when you started making more money.

So I started to research this topic for this episode. It turns out there is some interesting research on the topic. One I found most interesting was from the University of Minnesota study in China. They gave a group of students money count and other students just paper to count. After the counting was over, they asked them to put their fingers into a bowl with 122-degree hot water. The group that counted the money before did not find any discomfort in the hot water! This was a similar result to when people had their loved ones next to them when dipping their fingers into hot water. So our brain equates money to love. Go figure…

So if money is a drug, can it be addictive? It sure can. An interesting thing is that there are some obvious signs such as gambling or indulgence in luxury items that you may not be able to afford. But here is something I learned that was unexpected. It turns out that excessive saving habits can be a form of money addiction. It turns out that people who save excessively tend to believe that more money will bring more happiness and they don’t think it is ever enough no matter the size of their savings account.

According to Kabir Sehgal, author of the book Coined, the effect of money on your brain is similar to that of cocaine.

Neuroeconomists—I didn’t know there was such a thing—have performed several brain scans on individuals who were about to make money, and the results were staggering, says Sehgal. The studies show that these people had the same neurological response to making money in their “pleasure centers” as someone high on cocaine.

Money is a powerful addiction and creates good feelings when you get it and bad feelings when you lose it. Here is the difference between money and hard drugs. Cocaine, heroin, and crack will kill you if you do too much, but not money. Money won’t harm physically you. But it will destroy your mental peace just as any other addiction would.  

So how do you make sure you get your mental peace back if you think you may be on money drugs? Of course, the first thing to do is realize that it may be a problem. And that it is unhealthy if you are thinking about money all the time.

After that, it is important to realize that it is our attachment to money that drives our addiction to money. So the easiest thing in my opinion is to try and reduce our attachment. One good way to remove attachment is to start giving away money. Make a habit of giving away 10% of what you make to a good cause. When you begin to give away money, usually you will do it to causes that you feel strongly about and you think are worthy. That creates a state of compassion in our minds. That coupled with the generosity you demonstrate by giving money away reduces the attachment towards money.

Please realize, I am not saying money is bad. I am just saying excessive concern about money is not healthy. And when I look around, it seems that more and more people are giving more and more attention to money than ever before. We need to change that for the mental health of our society.

Life vs Lifestyle

I recently read a statement from Sadhguru that goes something like try to create a happy life and not the lifestyle. I thought that was such an interesting point that we decided to dedicate our entire episode today to Life vs Lifestyle.
Before we continue though let’s look into what I mean by that and what is the distinction between the two. Life as we all know is our day-to-day living. Things we do every day from the moment we wake up to the time we go to sleep. Lifestyle on the other hand is mostly material things that we tend to gather or are looking to gather. Now, this also includes services and experiences so material things is a loose term here.

Most people today are trying to improve their lifestyle. And there is nothing wrong with that. There are billions of people on this planet for whom food on the table is a question mark. For them, lifestyle is extremely important. For some of them, there is no distinction quite frankly. But the rest of us for whom the food on the table is taken care of, we need to start focusing more on the life we are living today as opposed to the lifestyle that we are after. So many people are trying to get just a little bigger house, or a nicer car, or a better job, and on and on. But in going after that lifestyle, if you forget to live, that is where the disconnect happens.

We think about some future version of ourselves so many times a day but how many times a day do we check inside of ourselves to see if we are happy at that moment? When we are chasing a lifestyle, we are essentially predefining what “success” may look like. But instead, if we enjoy everything that life throws at us, we will make the most out of here and now. When we focus on the here and now, life becomes wonderful. You see, it is our focus on the past and the future that makes us miserable. I think I read somewhere that our mind always wants to dwell on the past or dream about the future. Lifestyle is mostly about dreaming about the future. Instead, let’s just enjoy what we have right in front of us. Enjoy being with your kids. Spend time helping them with homework. Go on a date night with your significant other. Fall in love all over again. There is so much joy in just being with people you love.

One thing I have learned over the years is that whenever I tried to chase something, it always kept running from it. It was when I never expected something, that things showed up in my life. Call it the right place at right time or call it Karma, but I have come to believe that chasing never worked for me. It is like the saying goes, stop trying so hard. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

Now that does not mean that you just give up on life. The exact opposite of that. Give 100% to whatever you do. But more importantly, enjoy every activity. If the activity does not bring you joy, time to find something else to do. Also though don’t expect any pre-determined outcomes. When we have a preconception of what the results should look like, that’s when things disappoint us.

How many people do you know that are chasing someone else’s dream? Everyone it appears is running after the same thing without knowing why and what they are chasing. It feels like a herd sometimes. I see this in Indian parents a lot. They all are working so hard to make sure that their kids will inherit a million dollars each. What is that about? I keep telling them, to do what’s right for them. Of course, give your kids the best education but beyond that, they have their Karma. Even if you give them a million dollars, if it is not in their Karma, they will lose it in a heart bit. So don’t chase for the sake of your kids. They would rather you go to every one of their games or the recitals.

I have heard this a lot, I am working towards security. No such thing my friends. Security is an illusion. You are secure if you think you are secure. It’s as simple as that. I know people who don’t feel financially secure with millions of dollars in their bank accounts.

I read something interesting while researching for this episode. The lottery industry makes $73 billion a year not because people love their life! Think about it. The richest country in human civilization and we spend that much money on lottery tickets! All because we want to chase that lifestyle.

Friends, do me a favor and make a habit of looking inside a few times a day. The best way to do this is to take some deep breaths. When we take a deep breath, we are able to check what is going on within ourselves. Put a smile on your face while you are at it. It does wonder for your health and your well-being.