gratitude

Freedom from Self Consciousness

We all tend to get self-conscious every now and then. So today, I thought we will discuss how to free ourselves from being self-conscious. Let’s begin with why do we get self-conscious? In general, we get self-conscious because we feel people may be judging us or we are worried about how we will be perceived or we worry about upsetting others.

Self-consciousness is a mental state where we are pre-occupied with our self-image. That’s it. There is nothing more mysterious than that. Excessive self-consciousness causes us to be not present in the moment. Because we are thinking about what the other person is thinking of us or if they are judging us. So rather than being fully present in the conversation or the event, we are not participating. We are there but we are not there if you will. Our uncontrolled thoughts have taken over and we are in some distant place.

These uncontrolled thoughts are what Buddha calls delusions. A delusion is a state of mind that arises from inappropriate attention making our mind uncontrolled.

Everywhere we look, our mind is polluted by this surface of self-concern. It just alters everything we see. You know, we can’t actually see what’s going on because we’re so obsessed with ourselves. And that’s just reflected in our mind. So why is it? Why is it that we regard ourselves as so precious, but not others? I am just one person others are countless? Why are we so obsessed with it? Me? Me, me?

One major reason is we’re so familiar with thinking about ourselves, it’s a familiarity of habit.

Gesla says, Why because we’re so familiar with self-cherishing we’re very familiar with an attitude that puts ourselves first. We have been doing it since beginningless time in every life, which is why we’re still circling in suffering. Since beginningless, time we have grasped at a truly existent I this is the root of it. So a truly existent I is an I that exists from its own side.

We think there’s a real me or real I and we think everyone else is not me or either other or self or there are also other or them or you know, him or her or something like that.

Now, let’s talk about what we can do to reduce our self-consciousness in our day to day lives.

There are a number of things we can do. One of them is to stop comparing ourselves with others.

Often we find ourselves comparing ourselves with other people. Deep down all of us know that it is not worth it but we end up doing it anyway. As Teddy Roosevelt said, Comparison is the thief of joy.

To stop comparing ourselves with other people, what we need to realize is that when you are comparing yourself with someone else, you are comparing to their best version if you will. You don’t know what goes on in their life. You know what they have projected outwardly. Sometimes you only know what you see on their social media feed. Trust me, never believe what you see on social media.

If you have to compare, compare yourself to your past self. See where you were and how far you have come. This allows us to realize abundance in our life. It also allows you to realize your own strengths. This will hopefully, make you take actions that speak to your strength as opposed to someone else’s strengths.

Another way to stop yourself from comparing yourself to others is something we have talked about a lot here. We start every session with a gratitude attitude. If you are grateful for what you have and truly practice that, you will not feel the need to compare. Gratitude allows us to be joyful and joyful people tend not to compare themselves with other people.

One other way that helps in this situation is contentment. Again, we have talked about this a lot. If you are content with what you have then there is no reason for comparison. Also, remind yourself that money doesn’t buy happiness it never did and never will.

Another thing that helps with self-consciousness is developing a positive mindset.

Have you noticed that a lot of times when life gives us lemons, we tend to complain about the sourness of those lemons? A very few people are able to make lemonades out of those lemons that life throws at them.

Another helpful thing with self-consciousness is knowing that grass is not always greener on the other side.

What do I mean by that? Well, let’s look at our social media habits to begin with. We start looking at Facebook, Tik-Tok, LinkedIn and whatever else that we spend our time on half our waking hours.

People put exaggerated self of themselves on social media. I saw an interesting post on LinkedIn the other day. It says someone passed their driving test. Now, it is a simple thing and people go through that routinely in their lives. But they post it on LinkedIn something like, I want to thank my parents, my teachers, my friends, for helping me achieve this milestone in my life. I am humbled by the opportunity to perform at this exceptional level and all kind of nonsense like that. Now it is a little over the top but reality is not too far from it.

But that is reality. So don’t believe everything you see and hear. Don’t put people on pedestal based on their personas. You don’t know what goes on in people’s lives.

Another thing that helps with self-consciousness is the fact that we don’t identify with our delusions. In the book How To Transform Your Life, Gesla says that we need to stop identifying with our delusions. Gesla says delusions are distorted conceptual thoughts that arise within the mind like waves on the ocean, just as it is possible for waves to die down, so it is possible for our delusions to end.

Buddha compared our Buddha nature to a golden nugget in the dirt. No matter how disgusting a person’s delusions may be the real nature of them is undefiled like pure gold.

And it all starts with our relationship with ourselves. Our sense of self has to be based on an authentic experience. Our sense of self is based on an authentic understanding of who we are, which is based on this experience of a genuine feeling of peace, even if it’s only relative peace compared to our normal lack of peace. And on that basis, we can become a peaceful people with the potential to grow, the potential to get wiser and freer. I am not a person who hates other people, but I have empathy and love other people, delusions get in the way of me, but they’re not me. I’m a loving person. I’m a compassionate person.

Don’t Compare

Often we find ourselves comparing ourselves with other people. Deep down all of us know that it is not worth it but we end up doing it anyway. As Teddy Roosevelt said, Comparison is the thief of joy. So today, I thought we would explore why we compare with others and how to stop doing that.

Let’s first look at why we compare ourselves with others. Human beings are comparing themselves since the beginning of time. That is how we create a baseline if you will. One thing however you will notice is that we tend to compare ourselves with people who we think are in the same social circle as we are. This is quite interesting. I have never met anyone who compares themselves with Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos. It is always their friends and their neighbors!

Our brain is hard-wired in a certain way and that is what triggers comparison. It happens within a fraction of a second. To research this material, I ended up speaking with a psychologist friend of mine. He had something interesting thing to say. He believed comparison comes from an inherent sense of inadequacy. Deep down you feel that you are not enough. This sense of inadequacy is usually rooted in our upbringing or some incident that has lived with us for a long time. So if you want to figure out what is going on, next time your comparison anxiety triggers, watch your thoughts and see what is coming up. Often, these thoughts have no basis in truth it is just something we made up but it has been so long that it becomes your truth.

Comparison is not healthy. It can make on anxious and otherwise put you in a negative loop. Once you get into a habit of anxious living, it also begins to affect your relationships. It affects your closest relationships with your loved ones but also your relationship with people you compare yourselves with. You will eventually begin to resent people with who you compare yourselves.

Now that we know where the comparison comes from and what kind of negative effect it can have on our well-being, let’s look at how best to stop comparing yourselves with others. This is the voice within your head if you will. Contrary to what you may have heard, according to my friend, it is good to listen to the voices or thoughts in your head. Once you learn to listen to them, you will know your inner critic. This is the voice that is making you miserable.

The next thing is to realize is that when you are comparing yourself with someone else, you are comparing to their best version if you will. You don’t know what goes on in their life. You know what they have projected outwardly. Sometimes you only know what you see on their social media feed. Trust me, never believe what you see on social media.

And the last thing I would say is to stop doing should have, would have, could have. The past is the past. If you feel that you lost opportunities in the past, stop dwelling over those and look for the opportunities that may be in front of you. That is the best way I know how to stop comparing myself with other people.

Peer Pressure

When adults do it, we call it keeping up with joneses and when kids fall for it, we call it peer pressure. Either way, it is one of those traps that can suck one into a downward spiral. So today, let’s discuss peer pressure and how best to navigate it. I read about a story where in our local school district, kids are involved in this TikTok challenge where they steal toilet paper from the school restrooms or otherwise destroy the restroom and put a picture on TikTok. How crazy is that?

Peer pressure is nothing new. And there is nothing wrong with hanging out with friends who are trying out different things. It becomes a problem when we allow their behavior to influence our decisions. For teenagers, this is especially difficult. They are trying to get acceptance from their peers and be part of the “cool” group if you will. This is the same for adults when otherwise rational people try to keep up with the lifestyle of their peers. It all comes down to who we are as people and if we are comfortable in our skin. If we are happy with who we are, we will never try to impress other people. And this is the rub really. Most people are trying for approval from external sources. We look for validation from our colleagues and friends of the choices we make for ourselves.

Psychologists say that people overspend beyond their means just to impress other people or to fill a void within themselves. In a consumption economy, we are actually encouraging this behavior by making credit easily available to anyone and everyone without regard to the ability to pay back. A lot of these material items are flashed as a signal of wealth instead of a signal of debt.

I had an interesting conversation with my cousin a few years ago. She was visiting from India and we were chatting and she asked how come a lot of minimum wage employees were able to afford the latest iPhone. It was a great question. I explained to her that when people buy these items, they are not looking at the cost of the product but the monthly payment. Can they afford that additional $20 monthly payment, then they buy it without concern about savings or anything else. I have nothing again taking on debt for appreciating assets such as a home but when one takes on debt to pay for consumables where value deteriorates within the first few months, you are just taking the unnecessary financial burden.

This is purely a psychological issue rather than a financial education issue. People want to keep up with those around them and impress them so they splurge without regard to their own financial situation.

So how do we get out of this cycle of comparison? The first thing to realize is that happiness comes from within. No matter the external conditions, if we are content with who we are and what we have, we will not need external stimuli for our happiness. One way to develop this state of mind is through meditation. Create a daily meditation practice with an emphasis on “I have everything that I need at this moment”. Another way is to develop a gratitude practice. Be thankful for what you have and that brings contentment which leads to happiness. We have talked about both of these at length in the past. I encourage you to review our Gratitude episode as well as the Contentment episode on the YouTube channel.

The next thing you can try is to figure what your value is. If someone drives a fancy car, do you value the car or is it just for show? Once you know your values you will stop competing and that is when you will begin to see changes. It also helps when you stop following influencers on social media. They are there to paddle consumables. It is their job but that does not mean that we have to follow them. And most important thing is to realize that self-worth has no relation to material worth. They are completely detached from each other.

Once you implement some of the solutions outlined here, you will begin to feel change where you can still hang out with your friends without being in need to compare your lifestyle with theirs. I hope this is helpful in some way to you or someone you love. One thing I would strongly suggest is to instill these values in our kids at an early age. The Sooner they realize they don’t need to do anything to impress someone else, the better off they will be in their lives.

Why Me?

Have you noticed some people always ask Why Me? I was reading an article about some royalty somewhere—we shall not name names—and noticed that they were complaining about how they were getting attention in the media while appearing for a media interview! Now, these people have everything one could ask for. They were born with a silver spoon in their mouth—literally! I bet a majority of the people in this world would happily swap places with them. Even then, they thought they had this miserable life and anything that went wrong was a direct result of someone else’s action. So today, I want to talk about this victim mindset and how that is detrimental to our health and our progress.

People who have a victim mindset always have this scarcity mindset. They always feel that they have to compete for everything and with everyone. Some people wake up in the morning and are looking for things and others are to blame. That is no way to live a life. Let me tell you an interesting story. About 20 years ago, a good friend of ours was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Once we found out, I would call and talk to him every week just to have a conversation and cheer him up if you will. He was in an amazing state of mind. During one of those conversations, I casually asked if he thought if this had anything to do with the type of place he was working at. What he said was so profound, it stayed with him to date. He said, why not me? Why am I so special that a disease will skip me? He went on to say that he never complained and asked “why me” when things were going great. I had a newfound respect for my friend. You see he accepted life as it came. There was no complaining or looking for blame or anything like that. Not trying to figure out why let alone why me.

People with a victim mindset on the other hand try to blame other people for their own problems. They also tend to feel sorry for themselves. They have a negative attitude about almost every situation they come across. Because of this negativity, they some to attract people with a similar mindset so which creates its own downward spiral. In general, they don’t take responsibility for their actions. People with a victim mindset develop a setup of negative behaviors that are difficult to turn around. For example, they believe their life is somehow harder than everyone else’s and they always are looking for pity. They are pessimistic in nature and are risk-averse. They have this sense of entitlement.

Sometimes politicians are promoting a victim mindset because that is a lot easier than actually solving their problems. It’s always easy to throw money at a problem than to actually solve the problem. If one persists with a victim mindset, they may end up with permanent guilt or even depression. They may become resentful of other people and develop a tendency to thrive on drama.

Good thing there is hope. The best way to help people with a victim mindset is to show the power of generosity. If they begin to practice generosity, their ego will diminish and will allow them to see the bigger picture. Another antidote is gratitude. A gratitude mindset created an abundance mindset which is exactly the opposite of a victim mindset. If they begin to develop a gratitude mindset, eventually they will see the abundance and positivity in their lives. It is not easy to change someone who has developed a victim mindset but with a few months of gratitude practice along with generosity, you will begin to real results.

Every week we practice our gratitude attitude at the beginning of the meditation session. So today, I thought we would actually discuss the benefits of gratitude. Believe it or not, the guy who started the gratitude rock movement was my coach and is a personal friend. Lee Brower based in Utah and all around an amazing guy. Lee Brower tells about gratitude rock in the movie ‘The Secret’. He took a little rock and decided that every time he touched it he would think of something he was grateful for. So when he puts the gratitude stone in his pocket in the morning he goes through what he is thankful for, and when he empties his pocket in the night and finds the rock he goes again through what he’s thankful for.

Lee started every meeting we had with a gratitude attitude and he kind of rubbed off on me so about 15 years ago, I started conducting every meeting with a gratitude attitude.

Let’s look at why creating a gratitude mindset is important. Gratitude creates a mindset of abundance. If you look at life from a scarcity point of view, life will eventually become measurable. An abundance mindset allows you to not chase things for the sake of chasing them. Oprah Winfrey once said: “If you look at what you have in life, you will always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you will never have enough.”

Do you notice some people have this victim mindset? If something bad happens, they always ask why me? They blame everyone and their siblings for their problems including their co-workers, the government, family members, and so forth. People with a victim mindset are never happy no matter how much material wealth they accumulate.

On the flip side, people with a gratitude mindset focus on abundant opportunities available to them. It’s like a classic saying “why didn’t I think of that?” When we are grateful, we tend to focus on the positivity around us. That in turn brings abundance. People who are successful know there are enough resources in the world and stay away from competing for the same resources. A gratitude mindset allows us to leverage the resources we have as opposed to competing for them. It also creates awareness for the resources around us – develop an eye out if you will.

We have talked about this in the previous sessions I believe. But if we think about where we are in life, we are extremely lucky. If you have food, shelter, and clothing (roti, kapada or makan) and you are in good health, you are luckier than most people on this planet. Once you realize how lucky you are and begin to appreciate that, you will start noticing the opportunities around you. Because as they say; when a perspective changes, everything changes.

So how do we develop a gratitude mindset? The first thing to do is to develop a daily practice. Every morning when you wake up or before you go to bed or at a dinner table, spend five minutes thinking about what you are grateful for and why. Why is as important as what here. Why allows us to dig deep and create a meaningful experience.

Another way to develop gratitude is to major our success. No matter how small, be thankful for it. Some people live in what I call a “gap” – the distance between where they are and where they want to be. I used to be one of those people. Once I started developing gratitude practice, I began to appreciate the abundance that I already had. So it is very important to not live in the gap.

And the most important way to develop a gratitude mindset is with intention. Be sure to make it a habit to appreciate everyone who you come across from your family members, coworkers, essential workers you come across in your daily routine, and so forth.

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit. So for the next 21 days, give your best to develop a gratitude mindset. You will see changes in your life for the better.