I used to be a control freak! My wife will probably tell you I still amš I would make sure that everything was planned to a T and there was a backup of a backup plan! As I matured, I realized that this was all just an illusion. I thought I had control of events but in reality, I was just planning for contingencies so things when they donāt pan out, I still felt I was in control because of those contingencies. Today, letās talk about why control is an illusion and how we can free ourselves from its grip.
So the first thing we should try to figure out is how do we know if someone is a control freak. Remember, acceptance is half the battle. There are a few tell-tale signs. Two of the biggest signs are micromanaging and dislike of ambiguity. People who are control freaks generally donāt like ambiguity. They like to know everything so they can plan for every eventuality. Life does not work that way. Life is full of events that are beyond your control. It is tough for them to accept that. They also tend to micromanage in the hope for the desired outcome.
Before we discuss how to navigate control issues, letās dig into what is the illusion of control. āThe illusion of controlā was coined by Ellen Langer, a Harvard psychologist. The illusion of control is overestimating oneās ability to control events. Like I mentioned earlier because you have planned for every contingency, you feel that you are controlling events even then events are spiraling out of control. The illusion of control occurs because we think we are rational people and make thoughtful decisions. The illusion of control appears when the outcome of an event has some amount of randomness attached to it. We want to feel that it was all us so our illusion of control bias kicks in. This actually leads to making irrational decisions because we think that random outcomes was based on our process or system. However, it is not all doom and gloom. There is some positive outcome of this illusion as well. It is known to create motivation and make one feel better about themselves. It may allow one to make healthier choices.
Who tends to have the illusion of control you might ask? In general, people who are perfectionists, tend to develop this syndrome. The best way to cope with this is to realize that it is about progress, not perfection. Let me repeat, it is about progress and not perfection. You see when we begin to value progress as opposed to perfection, we will see success every step of the way as opposed to at the end of the process. When we begin to see success in small steps, it will allow us to celebrate those successes and that eliminates the perfectionist mindset. Once the mindset is all about progress, the illusion of control naturally fades because we are looking at progress and not perfection.
Another way to deal with this illusion is to ask for opinions. The more you value other peopleās opinions, the more you realize that there is no one size fits all solution. Everyone has a different view as to what success looks like in a given situation. There is no more perfect solution. Controlling events towards a specific solution no longer makes sense when a variety of solutions are perfectly acceptable.
I saw this interesting example on the internet (https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/illusion-of-control/) about illusions of control. I am not sure if this is true or not so please take it with a grain of salt. The article claims that after the American for Disability Act was passed in the US, all the close door buttons in US elevators are deactivated. All doors remain open for a minimum period of time after the last button was pushed to make sure disabled people have a chance to get into the elevator. The article claims that buttons are still installed in elevators to give riders that illusion of control! How crazy is that? Again, I donāt know if this is true or not.
One thing I have realized over the years is that there is no such thing as control. It is all an illusion. We all like to feel that our lives and events are in our control in some way. However, I believe we feel that way because other peopleās agendas match with ours sometimes and that makes us feel that control. Otherwise, everyone is working to their own agenda and when they donāt match with yours, you will soon find out that you have no control. Let me give you an example. Say, you are working on a project. You have a client and your staff. Now, when the client provides you information as to what they need in a timely manner and your staff performs their work in a timely manner, you feel that illusion of control in getting your projects completed. But if the client has a higher priority task and does not respond to your queries in a timely manner or if your staff has a family situation that takes their time away from work, all of a sudden your illusion shatters. Next time, you feel like you are in control, remember this! It is actually helpful to remember when things seem to spiral out of control. Because again, they might as well snap right back before you know it.
How do we cope with this? It is easier than you think. The most important thing is to be realistic about outcomes and expectations. Another thing is to accept the fact that the majority of your life events are full of unknowns. When you accept and embrace the unknown, the need for control no longer exists. It also helps to be vulnerable. It is OK to ask for help and show vulnerability. And most importantly, we must realize that happiness lies within us. If events seem out of control, that should not affect our inner peace. Remember, pain and pleasure are within us.