War and Stress

I am sure you have some thoughts on the ongoing war in Ukraine. You have to be living under the rock if you are not familiar with the situation by now. Has the war affected you personally at all? I know it has an effect on my psyche for sure. So today let’s talk about how we can cope with war-related stress. This of course assumes that you are physically far away from Ukraine. If you are in a war zone, this may not be of much help to you.

I didn’t even realize at first that I was having war-related stress. I could tell I was a little bit tense for a few days. I could not figure out what was going on. When I started to think about it, I realized that all this war talk is taking a toll. So I tried to figure out why was it affecting me personally. There is of course the compassionate part where I feel for the people in Ukraine but I thought it was deeper than that.

Upon further examination, I realized that it was more about the uncertainty that comes with the war. Affect the economy at a time when we are already in an inflationary environment. Potential for a world war iii if we do end up dragged into it, the potential for a global recession, and so forth. If you feel that your behavior has changed in the past couple of weeks, you might want to self-examine to see if you are having what they call “Headline Stress” – they actually, have a name for it! Who knew?

During my research for this episode, I learned that women and children have an increased vulnerability to the psychological consequences of war. Studies have shown that children have a higher rate of war-related stress than adults. This is kind of understandable because they are not able to process the situation and what they learn on the media tends to be scary.

Wo how do you know if you have war-related stress? Some of the things to look out for include, trouble concentrating, anxiety about the future, being easily irritable, lack of appetite, difficulty sleeping, difficulty making decisions, and so on.

So if you feel this is bothering you, how do you go about fixing it? Fortunately, solutions are simple and plenty. The first thing, to do is to control your intake. Being glued in front of breaking news is the last thing you need. I am not saying to turn yourself off from the information world we live in. But do not over consume the media feed. I got my aha moment when I was watching a news show and they repeated the same clip 6 times in the same one-hour program! That told me they were just hyping something for the eyeballs. Another thing I realized in the same newscast is the fact that a lot of this is propaganda. We only get a point of view. I saw this clip of alleged Russian army atrocities. When I analyzed the clip, I noticed that they did not show any army personnel, no one’s face was visible, there was no license plate on the car, and a few other things that would make the clip suspect. Between these two incidents, I got over my war news appetite. I am telling you, I instantly could see that my stress was relieved.

Another helpful tip is to limit your social media time. As we have discussed in the past, the social media feed keeps us in the bubble of our own opinions and does not allow us to look at the broader picture. Yet another thing to do is embrace uncertainty. Yes, the war is uncertain and it may have negative consequences in the economy, the job market, and such but there is nothing you can do so let’s just see what comes next.

The most important thing you can do is to make sure you maintain your health. Continue with your exercise routine, maintain healthy eating habits, and so forth. If you have not developed a meditation routine, this may be time to develop one. Spend 15 minutes a day meditating. You will be amazed at what that does to your peace of mind. If you are not able to do that, at least, take 10 deep breaths every hour.

Courage

Have you ever had to show courage in the thick of adversity? I am sure you have. Although you may not feel like a particularly courageous person, all of us at one time or another have shown exemplary courage in our lives. So let’s look at what it takes to be courageous and how that helps us move forward in life.

When I looked up the definition of courage, it showed up as the ability to do something that frightens one. Meaning, to face one’s fear is to be courageous. Courage can come in many forms. It could be the courage to stand up for your principles or courage to take a risk or courage to get married and so on. We all have different fears and biases based on the circumstances in which we grew up. So why is it important to be courageous you may ask? Well, for starters, living a courageous life tends to lead one to happiness. How does that work? When you are displaying courage, you are usually trying out something you always wanted to but were afraid to do so. In that case, trying out something that you always wanted to do brings instant happiness no matter the outcome. And even if the outcome does not materialize the way you expected it to be, you will learn from that experience and that will allow you to try something different leading to happiness again! So you see it is kind of a self-fulfilling cycle if you will.

Now that we know it pays to be courageous, let’s figure out how to be more courageous. The first thing to do when you are facing a fear of a particular action is to look at the worst and best-case scenario. Try to imagine the worst case if you do take a particular action and the best case if you do take that particular action. When you visualize these, it does two things. First, it makes you aware of the upside of the decision if you do jump in. This way, you are able to weigh the pros and cons of both scenarios. Another thing it does is it quantifies the risk you are taking. When you quantify the risk you are taking, you become immune from your fears.

The other one is to realize that we are wired for negative bias. From our hunter-gatherer days, our brain is wired for negative bias because that was survival. We are no longer in that situation so it helps to look at both the negative outcome as well as the positive outcome. This way, we are able to put the downside into perspective.  Yet another thing to do is practice relaxation techniques such as deep breaths and meditation. This prepares our body for the physical stress that comes with fear. It also keeps our minds clear.

One other thing that helps become courageous is to be courageous. What do I mean by that? Well, practice courageous actions in small doses. If you are afraid of the dark, for example, go to the basement in the dark once a day. That will build your confidence and allow you to become courageous when the stakes are much higher.

Another way to face our fears is to make plans. If you have a step-by-step plan of action, being courageous becomes a lot easier. 

I do want to point out that being courageous for the sake of being courageous is not a good thing also. The way to avoid the bravado mentality is to make sure that you know where your strengths lie. If you know your strengths and weaknesses, then you will avoid being courageous for the sake of it.

So next time you are facing the fear of moving forward on a subject you are uncomfortable with, try finding your inner strength and go for it. You will grow from the experience even if it does not work out the way you wanted it to be. And remember what President Franklin D. Roosevelt said: “the only thing you have to fear is the fear itself”.

Forgive and Forget

I am sure you have heard a lot about forget and forgive. Your parents probably gave you that advice and you probably gave the same advice to your children! But how many of us are truly able to practice in reality? Let’s look at how we should practice this and more importantly why should we practice it?

We will begin with why we should practice forget and forgive. According to the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, forgiveness is healthy for you! It provides tremendous benefits for your health including a lower risk of heart attack, reducing LDL (the so-called bad cholesterol), improving sleep, reducing blood pressure,  reducing anxiety, depression, and stress. I mean the list goes on and on. It’s almost like meditation if you ask me😊 Here is the best part; as we age, forgiveness and health connection keep getting better. According to Dr. Karen Schwartz of the JHU School of Medicine, chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.

Another reason to forgive is that it allows us to actually forget the painful memories of a particular incident. Once we forget those painful memories, we are able to cope with the situation and actually move on without getting stuck in the past.

Probably the most important reason in my opinion is that forgiveness opens up doors to reconciliation. Forgiveness may help the other person realize the hurt they caused you and will lead to mending fences between the two of you.

Now let’s look at how to forgive. For those of you who have tried this, I am sure you can attest to the fact that it is not easy to forgive. But once you do, it is a liberating feeling. Your mind no longer is stuck in anger or negativity surrounding the incident. And some people are better equipped to forgive than others for sure. However, it is a learned skill. You can learn to forgive. That means all of us can cultivate the skill. Essentially, it is a choice. It is a choice to be compassionate towards those who you think have wronged you. If you would like to learn more about developing compassion, please check out Episode 33 which talks at length about how we can develop compassion towards all living beings.

The first thing we need to do when trying to forgive someone is to actually remember the actual incident. Sometimes we are angry but if we reflect back we may realize that we also played a part in getting the thing out of proportioned. In that case, forgiveness comes easily. Even if we had no role to play, remembering the event solidifies our hurt.

Once we remember, the next step is to empathize with the person we are trying to forgive. This is not easy but what helps in these situations is to understand where their delusions may be coming from. Maybe they were having a bad day or had a rough childhood—whatever that may be. We are not trying to make excuses for them, just empathize with them as human beings.

The next step is to not have any expectations. A lot of people expect an apology before they can forgive. That is bartering and not forgiveness. Don’t expect anything from the other person. Just decide to forgive them for the hurt they caused you. Tell them that you forgive them. If you are not able to talk to them talk to someone else who you trust.

Another important step is to forgive yourself. I know this sounds crazy but most people blame themselves for the hurt that is done to them. We must learn to forgive ourselves to be truly free of the hurt. Oh and one another thing, the best way to practice forgiveness is you guessed it, practice gratitude. If we are thankful for what we have forgiveness tends to come easily. I can’t believe how many times we look at different issues and gratitude almost always comes as one of the ways to solve a problem!

And remember never go to sleep agitated. If you make a habit of forgetting all ill will of the day when you go to bed, the next day is a brand new beginning. No more resentment from the previous night. If you can practice that, you will never have to worry about keeping it in and affecting your health.

Hope this all makes sense and you are able to forgive and forget whatever it is that hurt you.

Positive Outlook

Have you noticed that a lot of times when life gives us lemons, we tend to complain about the sourness of those lemons? A very few people are able to make lemonades out of those lemons that life throws at them. So what does this even mean? Let’s dive in.

This reminds me of the baseball metaphor. If you are at bat and ready to hit the ball. You are expecting a fastball and are all ready to knock it out of the park. All of a sudden the pitcher throws a curveball at you. The ball actually slows down as it is coming to you. You are stumped and suddenly you get a strike. Now if you are a veteran player and do know what to do in a situation like this, you will adjust on the fly and take a single instead of that home run you were looking for. That is what it means to make lemonade out of the lemons life throws at you.

Before we can make those lemonades though, we first need to not lose it! Meaning, we need to stay positive when adversity comes at us at 100 miles an hour. The most important this in these situations is to keep things in perspective. We tend to blow things out of proportion when things go wrong. We assume the absolute worst and often our reaction is more like an overreaction. Instead, if we learn to keep things in perspective as to the extent of negative news that may be coming at us, we will be able to look at that objectively and find the right solution. We touched on this in a roundabout way in our discussions on equanimity if you recall in episode 13—I know sounds like a lifetime ago! If you get a chance, go revisit that episode.

The next thing to do is to have open communication. Understand what needs to be done and ask questions. This actually happened to me recently. We sold a building and the tenant sent us the rent after we sold the building by mistake. The buyer asked me to write him a check for the rent. I asked him if he can get the tenant to email me that they authorize me to send him a check I would be happy to otherwise, I needed to return the rent to the tenant. The buyer flipped out. He was all worked up because he did not expect that answer. I called him and said all it takes is an email from you to the tenant and why he was so hesitant about it. After talking it over with me, he realized that it was a reasonable thing to do and the matter was resolved in an hour. So it is important to understand what it is that someone is asking before getting all flipped out about it. So communication is key because oftentimes when we think is a lemon may not be a lemon at all!

Another thing that helps is always to be grateful. We always start our sessions with a gratitude attitude. A gratitude mindset helps you keep a positive outlook in the face of adversity. Yet another thing that helps is to be mindful. Slow your breathing down. As we all know, our thoughts are racing at a million miles mile per hour. When you slow your breathing down, they slow down to a manageable level.

One thing I have learned is that when people perceive something as a threat, they tend to overreact. So when life throws lemons at you, try to take them as a challenge and not as a threat. This is the key. We all know how to accept challenges and rise to them. Threats on the other hand evoke fight, flight, or freeze responses within us and that tends to be destructive.

And the last point I would like to make is that accept what you can and cannot do. What does that mean? As we have talked about this before, focus on what you can control. There are things and outcomes that are out of control. If you worry about things that you have no control over, it will become very difficult to get out of the negative spiral.

Hope all of this makes sense. Next time you come across a curveball in the shape of adversity, try to put some of these tips into practice. Hopefully, you will be able to make lemonade out of those lemons after all!

Inherent Existance

We have talked about at length in the past about inherent existence part of so-called wisdom teachings. It’s been a long time since we talked about those so in the next few episodes, I would like to revisit this topic with different examples. First of all, what really is inherent existence? If you think about most of us take the existence of all phenomena as inherent. What does that mean? Well, let’s talk about any object. A car, or a house, or clothes, or a computer, and so on. We think it exists and does not think twice about it. As a matter of fact, we think exists inherently and cling to it. This grasping or clinging is what brings the most suffering in our lives.

I know this sounds crazy. So let’s break it down. Any existence is either inherent or it is not. What is inherent existence? A phenomenon that exits from its own side is considered an inherent existence. In reality, there is no such thing. No phenomena exist from its own side. For anything to exist from its own side, either it is the same as its part or a collection of its part. There is no other possibility. Let’s take an example. This is a book. Many of you have this book. You look at this book and you say of course it exists. Now, if we just take one page from this book, would you say this is a book? For example, if you order this book from Amazon and if they only send you one page, would you say you received the book? Of course not. How about the cover page of this book? If someone only gave you a cover page, would you say it’s a book? No, you would not. So we all agree that the parts of the book are not the book. How about a collection of the parts. If I give you all the loose pages would you say it’s a book? No way you say.   So there is no inherently existing book. Well, then what is this thing we called a book. It is nothing but imputation. It is a book because we called it a book. It has no inherent existence. Another way to look at this is that it is a dependent existence. I recently learned that if the person loses their eyesight say around 3 years of age. If they recover their eyesight say around the age of 40, they would not be able to see what we see. For them is just a blurb. Because that part of the brain that associates images is not developed at that age, they are never able to see the things we see. Now, if the same thing happened to them at the age of 8 when the image association is fully developed, they will be able to see what we see when they recover their eyesight. So you see, it is a dependent existence. The same things that are in our experience are not in the experience of people who have not developed image association or people who are blind.

Let’s look at this pen. Can you point to the pen? Where is the pen? Is it on your screen? Is it in my hand? You see this pen because your eye senses look at a picture of the pen, your brain interprets that as a pen. In other words, the pen is in your mind. Without your brain interpreting this object like a pen, the pen does not exist for you. In other words, it is a dependent existence.

So there are people who believe everything exists inherently meaning from their own side. As we just discussed that is just not the case. There are people who believe nothing exists at all. That is surely not the case since we are experiencing these phenomena. There is a middle way. That says that all phenomena are imputed or dependent on existence. Nothing exists inherently and all existence is imputed.

Let’s look at another example, we all have a car parked in the garage. Let’s find if the car exists inherently. For a car to exist inherently, it can either be found in its parts or it is a collection of its part. So let’s begin with its tires. If someone gave us four tires, we will certainly not call it a car. How about if someone gave us a bunch of bucket seats? Well, that is not a car. How about a door, or an engine, or brake pads? None of these parts is a car. If you take all the parts of the car put them on the ground, we won’t call it a car. So there is no inherently existing car. It is a car because we all decided to call it a car. In other words, it is an imputed existence.

Again, this is a deep subject. I would like to pick this up next week on the same topic. So we can investigate a little more to make sure that we are all on the same page as to inherent existence.