Last week we received a request to talk about how best to deal with teenagers. So let’s try to tackle this age-old problem for every parent in today’s session.
Someone sent me a perfect WhatsApp message I want to say five or so years ago. It went something like, don’t live your dreams through your kid’s lives. What a perfect sentence. We all are guilty of living our dreams through our kid’s lives sometime or another. The Sooner we realize it is not healthy for either the kid or the parent, the better off we are. This is one of the biggest obstacles when dealing with teenagers. It is an age when kids are just forming their own dreams and aspirations and want to be independent. This is also an age when a parent thinks the kid is at an age where they can mold their dreams onto kids’ life! So the first thing we must recognize is that it is their life. We are here to support them in any way that we can but we must not interfere with their lives.
When we talk about teenagers in the western world, we should also realize the amount of pressure these kids are experiencing. This is the age when bullying usually starts at school. They also are trying to fit into different social dynamics of the end of middle school and beginning of high school. This is a rough time for kids. Let me give you an example. When my son went to high school, the very first week, one of his friends (this was a small skinny dude), was hung in a locker by some older bully and he was stuck in that locker for a few minutes. Imagine the trauma that the kid went through. Not only him but his friends and everyone else who found out. For example, my son started talking roughly after that incident. I told him he did not need to talk that way and he said yeah I do otherwise I would get in the same situation as the other guy! So you can imagine the pressure these kids feel just to stand up for themselves.
On top of all that, the kids have other pressures such as academic pressure, social pressure, pressure to participate in extra-curricular activities, and pressure to perform in athletic events! Growing up, we never had pressure to perform or no one had to tell us to join extracurricular activities or sports. We just did. Today, the kids are talking about college preparation at an early age. Elite colleges have made the lives of a teenager miserable. They are expected to participate in all kinds of activities and excel at them along with their academics. Let’s draw a comparison. You all have high-flying jobs. Let’s say your company expected you to spend 10 hours a week on nonprofit activities and not only that, excel at those activities, improve the impact of those organizations. In addition, they expected you to participate in competition-level athletics that required 10 hours a week of your time to prepare. I am sure you would be exhausted and quit by the end of the week!
So as you can see, the life of a teenager is very difficult in today’s world. So the question is not how to deal with the teenager, the real question is how to help your teenager. The first thing, I would recommend is that show them you understand the problems they are going through. Appreciate the efforts that they are putting into different activities. Once they realize you get the kind of effort they are putting in, they will respond accordingly.
The next thing is to be there for them. As I pointed out, they have so many pressures that sometimes, all they are looking for is an ear. I don’t think they want your advice but they do want someone who listens. Just listen without giving advice (chances are they would not like your advice at this age).
Now you say but what about when they are making wrong decisions. For example, what if they are not doing well in their classes and you know they can do a lot better (say they are getting Cs when you know they are A+ students). The only thing you can do in such situations is to explain to them the importance of the right actions. Why they should be putting effort into their education and so on. Show them the consequences they may face down the road (not consequences from you in terms of punishment but real-life consequences of unable to get into their dream schools etc.). After that, just let it be. The Sooner you realize it is their life better off you will be for your peace of mind. I have this mantra I have been using for the past five years or so, your life your decisions. We all have to face the consequences of our decisions. You cannot change that. Just accept it for what it is.
One last thing I would mention is that our kids come with their own set of Karma. If we accept that fact, we would not try to interfere in their lives as much as we do. We would instead, foster a loving environment and just let the things be.